Vanilla

Dr M.

I have been dating the Dr since...well since I set my eyes on him. I met him on the 29th of August 2014 and there has not been a single day that I havnt spoken to him. He doesnt know anything about my life. I am still on edge with him because I am so convinced that he will leave and I will be left hurting...because I know if he walks away I will hold some sort of regret. He is my ticket...my chance at a normal life, a normal future....that is if he is not an abusive person.I have learnt that I cannot fully trust my instincts ever...because I know that weak and vulnerable people attract filth. I think that I have covered it up...i mean the abuse so he might actually be a nice guy. I have noticed a few traits...he gets tired very very easily from working all week so his full attention is never really on me and he can get very grumpy...this in turn makes me panic because my mind draws out all these negative notions about the people who were not so kind to me...early traits. I also notice small white lies. Not lies that affect everyday life but I just notice them like I do with everything that I tend to over analyse...maybe I am looking for problems, cracks, brokeness or I am just preotecting myself..I do not know.

...in everyday life I would never be with someone like him...I wouldnt even realize he was an option simply because my mind rejects him as "too goof for me" - I didnt realize I did that subcounciously...I wouldnt even have the guts to talk to someone who was so intelligent, so admirable and so...just up there...and being near him now...the normality and stability of it all...bewilders me.