Vanilla

Aftermath of Abuse

She doesn't care. It is a twisted kind of care. I dont think I can ever get out of it mentally. I don't think I can ever stop

You told me be greatful that I  were not in foster care. I don't know what was worse. How can you build me up to be this person this perfect person that you can take pride in raising when you never really raised me.  

I never really revisited the other things going on. I think even till this day I cannot seem to admit it for what it was. I have been so focused on one aspect of it all, it overpowered everything else. I find it so difficult to function as a "normal " adult. Up till now I have blamed myself for everything that happened. It is only recently that everything adds up, I don't think I have forgiven myself for what happened. I feel so much built up anger. I believed it when they told me I am unworthy, I believed it when they left me out, made Me feel like dirt and made me feel stupid. I have 21 first cousins 11 aunties and uncles not one person helped me, not one person decided to help a child, to stop the abuse, the bullying the violence. How do you turn a blind eye to that? They knew how bad things were at home, only to come to them and have their own children abuse me, how could they not protect a child? How?! how do you just laugh that off? How do they justify that? It's ironic that they think they are such good people. I don't ever want to speak to any of them again. 

I hate that she wants to take pride in it. I hate that she wants to claim the one thing I get to claim, I made who I am today not you. 

Sometimes I wander why do people who are so incapable of raising children have any?

My parents job was to protect and care for me never mind provide money and food on the table but at the very least protect your child. They failed in every way possible. You cannot give a child a horrible shitty

childhood and then expect that child to exceed expectations. I think that my life up till now has been a bit of a blur, nothing has really slotted into place. It is disgusting how much I had convinced myself I am not a victim. The first book I could relate to was A child called it, after that I was addicted to books about abuse and I thought I was sick to want to read these things continuously what I realized today was that it was my only way of letting how I felt out, I could ...I can relate to it all. it helped me understand PTSD which I  have, my mind is stumped in that time period and my thoughts travel back and I relive the emotions. It is almost like I am that child again when anyone brings up certain aspects of my childhood. She makes it out like there is nothing left to feel angry about that it is over now and why keep bringing up? Because I have to see your fucking face everyday and you tell me to keep in touch with the family for your sake because you are so incredibly selfish. We both know it's best for me to forget you , forget everyone and start a new life away but I did it...I did it for you. And for what? I have to relive this everyday and yet I feel like I have no choice that I can't just leave because you manipulate and control me as everyone has done my whole life. My life is my own I don't have to share it with you. I want out from all of this. 

Maybe it is now that I feel so much because I understand the impact it has had. As an adult I can stand here and not get how I could ever let abuse that I witnessed happen so how can all 11 of them that doesn't even include their spouses. 

I stopped believing in a God from a very young age because I cried and prayed for him to save me. As a child when you cry your heart out praying for hours for it all to end and it doesn't get answered not ever it is the most gut wrenching hopeless feeling in the world. If there was a God how could he be so blind to my pain? Why does he not care?/