LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2014-11-07 20:01:41 (UTC)

I'M NERVOUS

"Carolina Drama" by The Raconteurs [ALRIGHT THIS SONG TELLS SUCH AN INTERESTING STORY... Also, how many bands is Jack White in??? How does he have so much time?]

7:02 PM


So John suggested to me that we meet up next weekend and I was all, "Yeah!" and now I'm thinking that was a really bad idea.

We were planning on smoking a little together. Ughhh bad idea, bad idea. But so good. I want to but I...

I'M SO NERVOUS. This was a bad idea. I like John but I'm just kinda afraid that he won't like me and I'll be awkward and there's no way I can get awayyyyy.

We're already making plans, though, and I want to scream because WHY DID I SET MYSELF FOR SUCH TERRIBLE ANXIETY. MEETING INTERNET FRIENDS IS NOT A GOOD IDEA. NO. NO NO. NO.

UGHHH. I NEED TO SLEEP FOREVER. I NEED TO GET LOST. I NEED TO DO SOMETHING. I NEED TO STOP ANSWERING HIS TEXTS FOR AWHILE SO I CAN CARE LESS.

UGHHH IT'S SO HARD TO BE MYSELF BECAUSE NO ONE LIKES A SELF-DEPRECATING GIRL AND ALL I AM IS A BUNDLE OF INSECURE-NESS.

I don't have self-esteem!!!!!!!! Fuckity Mc-Fuckerson!

I so badly want to say, "You're going to hate me." I JUST, I NEED A WAY TO GET RID OF ALL EXPECTATIONS SO I CAN STOP WORRYING ABOUT NOT MEETING THEM.

I HATE SOCIALIZING.

IT IS LITERALLY THE WORST.

IT MAKES ME FEEL TERRIBLE AND SURE, MAYBE I'M "GROWING AS A PERSON" OR SOME SHIT BUT YOU KNOW WHAT??? WHO NEEDS TO GROW???

WHO NEEDS IT, REALLY? NOT ME. HJAHAHHAHAH. NOT. ME.

I'm going to die. I am actually going to die. On one hand, if I were watching myself freak out from the outside I'd be laughing my ass off but I'M INSIDE MYSELF EXPERIENCING THIS ABSOLUTE TERROR AND MAKE IT STOPPPP.

My heart is gonna stop dude. I shouldn't even be worrying about this because these are plans for next weekend. I can freak out next Friday. I can worry about what I'll tell my parents because I'll be honest, I don't know how they're gonna feel about me meeting a random friend (who is a boy. they're going to tease me. at least Ethan's not here. One time, a guy named Chris gave me a compliment ONCE and Ethan made fun of me for it for like three months, goddamn).

No. No. I'm done with myself. I'm done thinking. I'm going to float away, now.

PS:

I forgot to say that yesterday, Olivia said my hands were nice and that is the highest compliment I can receive. My hands are my life. They create everything I love, my art, they touch my waist, they run through my hair, they feel my lips, my entries, LITERALLY EVERYTHING. Thank you, Olivia.


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