LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2014-11-07 16:31:26 (UTC)

Never-Ending Sigh


"Kids" by MGMT [I must've posted this song like two years ago or some shit but hey, it showed up on Pandora --Modest Mouse radio--so... yeah.]

Control yourself
Take only what you need from it
A family of trees wanting to be haunted

November 7, 2014 Friday 3:33 PM

You are not your shadow.

This thought came to my head sometimes during school??? It doesn't even mean anything. It's like a combination of quotes I have heard, like maybe, "You are not your job" and maybe, "No one behind you, watching your shadow" [This Is Your Life by The Killers].

I don't know, things like that happen to me a lot. I think of something and for a moment, it seems wise and it seems like a concept that I am not intelligent enough to grasp but then I actually think about it and... it's bullshit, haha.

MAYBE THAT'S MY ENTIRE LIFE. SOMETHING I THINK TRANSCENDS REALITY AND THEN REALLY, IT'S JUST AN UNINTERESTING PILE OF CRAP THAT NO ONE WILL REMEMBER (because who remembers crap, right?).

Yeah, okay, I should stop reading into the tired thoughts I have as my teachers moan out their lessons and whatnot.

I am so annoyed with myself. I got to sleep on time last night but I woke up at around four in the morning and tossed and turned for an hour before falling back asleep. AND I HAD TO GET UP EARLIER THAN NORMAL because there was a Captain's meeting at school.

I had another conversation with Blue Eyes today and it was shorter. I don't like that he makes me nervous. I swear to god, it's his eyes.

Also, I am beginning to wonder why he's even talking to me. It's kind of understandable if someone thinks I look interesting enough to talk to but, what, this is our fourth (not counting the one we had like three years ago???) conversation and it literally takes like fifty conversations for me to actually act like myself.

The person he's seeing... I hate that person soo much, she's not me. Or maybe she is and I hate that. No... I mean, I'm equally as annoying when I am fully myself but I'm also smarter and I don't know...

Okay, the part I don't like about making new friends is the gross feeling I get. It's like, extreme insecurity. I just can't help thinking that I must be boring them and it really, really sucks but after that period of terrible-ness, it usually gets much better.

OH. I'm also praying that I don't develop a crush on Blue Eyes (knowing me, though, I probably will haha) because I am not in the mood.

I'm never in the mood haha. That's because I'm super duper fragile, though. It's not my fault. Wow, I can't believe I just tried saying that to myself because it kinda does feel like my fault.

Stupid thought patterns.

I always get crushes at the wrong time, too. It just doesn't work, okay??? It never works for me (so far?). I feel like I'm one of those girls who won't date until college which is perfectly okay but it also kinda sucks because half of me is totally ready for the mushy stuff and the other half is more like, "RELATIONSHIPS REQUIRE A FEW AWKWARD MOMENTS. ESPECIALLY IF THEY INVOLVE YOU. THAT'S GONNA BE WEIRD AS FUCK, MAN. IT'S STRANGE AND UNFAMILIAR TERRITORY!!!"

I don't know. I just don't feel good (hey at least the good feeling lasted a week). I feel more like I did something wrong and I can't figure out what. I am REALLY FUCKING HUNGRY because I ate some toast this morning and nothing else all day ughhhh.

I should ask my momma for food and make myself something.

Ughhh.

WAIT. MY THOUGHTS HAVE REALIZED SOMETHING. I don't want to be alone.

That doesn't seem like a huge breakthrough but I mean, I have that feeling you get when you want to be with a certain person/people and being around parents or something just doesn't cut it.

*deep, never-ending sigh that stretches from the dawn of time to the collapse of the entire universe*


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