LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
2014-11-06 22:24:31 (UTC)

Maybe.

"Everything you can imagine is real." -Pablo Picasso [he the coolest... i said that about Kurt Vonnegut and J.D. Salinger too but... they all cool and wonderful ok]

9:25 PM

HEY.

I find Brock a lot less creepy. Once I had a session with him and I got really scared because he was sitting so close to me and was making strange noises (he was "discharging" AKA letting out his emotions through physical actions or something) and I have a thing where I'm automatically scared of men over thirty. I WISH I WASN'T THAT WAY, IT'S NOT FAIR TO MEN OVER THIRTY. It's not like they're all weird and thirsty for young blood. Yeah...

Anyway, Brock did the discharge thing today and I had a session with him and Alexa. I DIDN'T FIND HIM CREEPY. It was so nice.

He said I was "wonderfully awkward". Aw, that's nice. He asked me what I liked about myself and I was able to answer it but I kept saying "but". I mean, "I'm good at art," which is nice and then, "but a lot of people are much better than I could ever be."

Also, "I like my big eyes," aand then, "but sometimes, they're tooo big."

Yeah, so, finally I said, "I'm intelligent and much more so than a lot of other close-minded people and I wish people would stop saying I'm dumb."

SO IT WAS GOOD.

I forgot to mention things, though. First, I got really nice feedback. Yayyy. Also, I forgot Blue Eyes said I was cute kind of offhandedly (maybe hoping I wouldn't notice but he seems to confident for that) and also, he noticed I bite my lip a lot. I really do. I'M A NERVOUS PERSON AND I BITE MY LIPS SO MUCH OKAY. Speaking of lips...

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QUICK INAPPROPRIATE NOTE (umm sexual so don't read if you don't like that stuff):

I noticed that after orgasm my lips are like hot pink. IT'S SO COOL AND SEXY. It's a special color. My lips are normally a pale pink color or reddish pink, but never so bright. The color makes my smile look nice. Yeh.. okay.
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But wait, Blue Eyes said he has cried three times in his life and I think I asked if that was because he's a guy. You know how guys are taught to be super manly and not have emotions? Yeah, that's what I meant. Brock also mentioned that today but he called it "men's oppression." I get iffy about using the word "oppression" because I think people use it for stupid reasons the majority of the time but I do get what Brock was saying. It sucks that guys and girls are taught that way... Guys have to be a certain way, girls have to be a certain way, it's just a mess and it's not freedom.

PEOPLE ARE SO BEAUTIFUL AND WONDERFUL AND I MIGHT HAVE A NIGHTMARE TONIGHT AND WHEN I DO, I WILL PROBABLY WAKE UP AND WANT SO BAD TO REACH INTO MY INNER WORLD AND STAY THERE FOREVER BUT I DON'T KNOW, WAKING LIFE ISN'T SO BAD.

In fact, it's better. I think I'm doing better. Maybe it's the medication. My psychiatrist lady upped it to a hundred and I was kinda pissed when she did that because I'm 90% sure she's trying to treat me for bipolar disorder. Well, guess what, lady! My diagnosis expired six months ago!!! SO DON'T PULL THAT SHIT. Treat me for my anxiety disorder, woman!

(Oh my god, it's only been a year and a half since I was hospitalized....)

I actually do get intense with her, though. There are not a lot of adults or people in general that I get mad at but I actually do get pissed at her. I control it so she will still respect what I'm saying but.. Yeah.

I'm happy. That is not that new. Every other week, I am swept away into a whirlwind of anxiety and mild depression (yes, mild. it's mostly anxiety. I think anxiety has always been my main issue and I only had such terrible depression because my anxiety was, like, burning all my bridges and cutting my skin with words).

But... every other week, I am pretty happy and I feel hopeful like maybe next week I will still be happy and I have that same hope now. Maybe next week will be okay, maybe the medication works. Maybe everything is okay. Maybe Blue Eyes will be my friend (yayyy friends I'm so happy about that) and maybe Olivia and I can trade books, haha.

Maybe.


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