LustingforNightmares

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2014-11-05 16:49:13 (UTC)

Trust

"My Only Swerving" by El Ten Eleven

November 5, 2014 3:50 PM


Today was a really, really good day (the following entry is full

First of all, J was really pretty, but he always is. Okay, it's kind of weird that I said "pretty" since he's not feminine or anything but I say "attractive" way too much and I really hate saying "hot". So instead, I take the creepy route; "prettyyyy".

Umm, I'm not sure about how I looked. Probably not that great but maybe not super ugly, either. Whatever. I'm not as worried about my looks when I have low anxiety and the ability to socialize, haha, because I only rely on my appearance when I feel like I can't hold a conversation.

ALSO, MY TIGHTS RIPPED TERRIBLY HALFWAY THROUGH THE DAY AND I WAS PISSED BECAUSE THEY WERE BRAND NEW. *deep, aggressive sigh*

I felt bad for Lily because this morning in class, she was in so much pain (cramps) that she actually started crying. I didn't know what to do! Every time someone cries, I... I don't know what to do because I'm not sure how they'd react.

When I cry, I hide myself and only let my face get shielded from other people's view by someone I trust. Some people are okay with crying in front of other people.

LILY CRIES MOVIE TEARS. THEY ARE FAT AND THEY ROLL DOWN HER FACE SO PERFECTLY. ALSO, ONLY THE TIP OF HER NOSE GETS PINK SO SHE DOESN'T EVEN UGLY CRY. WHAT. LILY IS EVEN BEAUTIFUL WHEN SHE CRIES????

What the hell, Lily??? Why did you get such good genes???? Give some to me. Don't be selfish.

She went home after that which I hoped she would because if physical pain makes you cry IN SCHOOL, then it has to be like a ten out of ten.

Laney was complaining about that.

She said to me at the end of the day, "Apparently, Lily had cramps so she had to go home..."

I said, "I saw her this morning, it was really bad. It's good she went home."

"... Yeah, but, if she's so sick, why is she inviting me over to bake afterwards??"

"She probably really wants to get the job done." Lily and Laney have a baking business, by the way. QUICK BIT OF IRONY: Laney, a diabetic who strives to own a bakery.

It gets me slightly upset when Laney and Aaron try picking apart reasons as to why we don't do some things.

I just want to say, "LEAVE IT THE FUCK ALONE." Because they should. I'm absent because I have a hard time getting out of bed some days, which Aaron should've been able to understand, seeing as how she was depressed once, too. Apparently, her antidepressants and her improved life have erased all middle school memories.

Laney shouldn't pick on Lily. She doesn't know her reasons and Lily wouldn't fake sick that often. Even if she does, it's probably because she's not feeling well emotionally. Besides, Lily actually does have a lot of health problems.

My quick conversation with Blue Eyes (he was wearing colored contacts when I "first" met him) was a nice highlight of my day. I KNOW HIS NAME, NOW. Also, I shook his hand which was warm and dry. Some people have cold hands. I used to, but I think my circulation has improved. I like making friends. I'M MAKING FRIENDS!!!

OTHER PEOPLE I AM ALSO BECOMING FRIENDS WITH;

-Cher (of course, fake name. I took it from the Clueless girl): SHE IS SO WEIRD AND I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT.

-Olivia (a variation of her actual name.): She's so nice and she reads the same books as me and she's in Peer Leadership. SHE MAKES ME THINK THAT FRESHMEN ARE NOT ANNOYING AT ALL. I LIKE HER.

-Sam. Okay we were already friends, but she has been in a better mood lately and I am realizing why we were friends. We don't have that much in common but we know how to talk to each other, ya feel?

MY DRAWING & PAINTING TEACHER IS SO NICE TO ME. We have to do contour drawings in class, which is basically a drawing where you lift your pencil off the paper as little as possible, and apparently I'm pretty good. We do drawings of kids who volunteer to model and SHE SAID I WAS GOOD AND PEOPLE COMPLIMENTED ME AND ONE GIRL SAID I PUT CLASSMATES TO SHAME [WITH MY TALENT] AND THE GIRL I DREW WANTED TO TAKE MY ART HOME. I love my teacher. She makes me feel like an art career is possible. I'm still not sure if that's something I want, though.

Umm, so I've noticed a change in myself. I am trusting myself, more. I am questioning my own decisions a lot less.

I guess I got fed up with the constant analyzing of everything I do. I just want to believe I am right and that I'm trying the best I can.

I don't want to ask myself, "Are you sure?" or "What is 'the best' anyway? It doesn't seem likely that you can meet a goal that isn't even defined."

I hate trying to figure out what part of my memories are inaccurate. I hate not being able to believe what I see in my head. I don't see how I can expect to trust other people if I can't trust myself.

So yeah, I'm working on that and I like it. I like not feeling so responsible for every little consequence of my actions.


----

I am not a sociopath. I question my actions a lot and how they affect others. I think people are beautiful and I am very empathetic. I don't want to hurt anyone.

I'm reading a book about sociopaths and it's fucking interesting.

Olivia, one of my possibly-maybe-new friends/acquaintances, said she read another book about sociopaths. I forget what it's called but I love that she also reads books like that.

I was never one for nonfiction but lately, I've been reading a lot of psychology oriented nonfiction books like An Unquiet Mind and The Sociopath Next Door. The Sociopath Next Door is more academic than An Unquiet Mind because An Unquiet Mind is more like an autobiography of a psychiatrist with Bipolar Disorder.

Psychopathy is really fascinating.

One thing that confuses me is that the terms 'sociopath' and 'psychopath' are used interchangeably. I've looked this up before and many articles say there is a difference between being a sociopath and being a psychopath.

The book was published in 2005. A couple articles have written that being a sociopath is like being a psychopath but without having commited crimes.

Psychopaths are the dangerous ones, apparently. I'll have to pay more attention to the book next time I read it. Maybe she's not using the terms interchangeably, like I thought.

WHATEVER. It's sooo interesting.

There was actually a person in my life who I once suspected was a sociopath: Marina. I must've been paranoid but I can see where I was coming from. Sometimes, her eyes seem so cold.

I also feel like she uses people to get where she wants to go in life. When someone stops being useful to her, she moves on.

I don't know them.

I THINK ETHAN IS A NARCISSIST. Okay, he's kind of a super smart (his IQ is probably 150) and he has a hard time empathizing. That's what annoys me about him. HE JUST DOESN'T UNDERSTAND OTHER PEOPLE. Also, when people go away, I feel like he misses them but is incapable of conveying that or something.

OKAY, I'm worn out and I feel like I must've been writing gibberish so... goodbye.


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