LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
2014-11-01 22:47:58 (UTC)

Oblivion

"Call It Off" by Tegan & Sara

November 1, 2014 Saturday 10:48 PM


ON THE SUBJECT OF ANXIETY: It's getting worse, it's getting worse and I can't do a thing.

It's really bad. I am very paranoid and watchful of everything I say. I get more easily annoyed with my friends because I'm so anxious that some of what they say re-stimulates a hurtful memory and I just associate with them.

God, everything hurts. I am automatically overthinking every moment. I'm telling myself to please, please stop but my anxiety doesn't even need words to think of new situations and of the inner thoughts other people must've had about me. No words necessary. The pain is created in a split second and it spreads throughout me like poison.

It's really easy to hurt me right now. Anything bad said to me will strike to the bone, it will cripple me and you won't be able to tell because I will play it off. It hurts so bad, though. It's torture and I just want to escape, to float away, to disappear.

I just, I feel like shit. I feel like I can't interact with people. Seriously, whenever I try, I am suddenly at a loss for words. It is not usually that bad. Like, I'm awkward but it gets worse as my anxiety gains the upper hand and I start having weird tics like touching my hair too much or looking down and my gaze will never meet your eyes and if we DO make eye contact, it will be very short (I can't stand that you can see me, I can only imagine you seeing what I see in myself and it's terrifyingly ugly). I won't say hello because all confidence has been dissolved and it sucks because I worked so hard to gain what little self-esteem I had. I worked so hard...

My main stressors are social encounters and the future, although I feel like if I were confident in my social life, my fear of the years to come would dissipate. That might be wishful thinking. It might at least ease my stress.

I'm so mean to myself and I can't stop. I keep thinking that death would be so easy and so nice and then I get mad at myself and call myself weak. I say, "You can't kill yourself, killing yourself is a representation of your entire fucking life. You're lazy. Something hurts? You run the fuck away. You avoid anything unpleasant. Well guess what? Life isn't free of pain and you KNOW that so why are you hoping to make life heaven? If life were so beautiful, you'd be ungrateful and bored and don't try to deny that."

And see, that's just it. I'm right. My mind is mean, but my mind is true.

It hurts so much every second of the day and no matter what I do, I can't get away. Every escape is temporary and I just want to be up there, up with everyone else. I want to stop craning my neck and smiling like I understand oblivion. I just want to know what it's like to be unaware. I want to know how the other high school kids feel.

Maybe I'm separating myself too much.

I'm probably not that different, right?

Maybe not, but I just can't understand how other kids get so caught up in drama, and feel so resentful towards adults and other kids.

They don't understand. They don't understand kindness, forgiveness, they don't understand how important it is to just THINK.

Am I the one who is wrong?

I can't tell. I don't think I ever could.




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