"Colorblind" by Counting Crows
I am covered in skin
No one gets to come in
Pull me out from inside
I am folded and unfolded and unfolding
I am colorblind
I feel a bit odd.
I am talking to this guy. Maybe I should call him John. You know what's weird? So many guys in my life have names beginning with the letter J and I'm beginning to run out of fake names for them. Depressed-hispanic-kid was easy. I didn't even have to think of another name beginning with J, I just kinda listed a couple traits and BAM. Done.
Anyhow. John and I were texting for a few days a week (or two???) ago but he didn't reply to one of my texts and I kept meaning to text him again but I never did. We kinda ran out of things to talk about even though he is really, really, really cute and somehow saw my selfie and didn't run far away.
I expected him to forget about me or something. I figured I meant nothing, anyway (ooh, wow, I didn't mean to sound that self-conscious).
He texted me today and we've been holding a conversation for maybe twenty minutes and I already don't know what to say. He keeps asking me if anything is new, like every time we talk.
That's fine. That's fine, the issue is, I HAVE NO LIFE. There is never anything new. My emotions go through the same cycles - week or two of mild depression/high anxiety... slow recovery... week of high happiness levels and low anxiety levels... week or half a week of moderate anxiety levels and regular happiness levels.... annndd back to the beginning.
As for what I do in my spare time? On weekends, I sometimes go to my friend's houses. We hang around. Mostly we talk. Me and Lily play Survival on Minecraft and fake argue (although sometimes our bickering gets so intense that I begin to question my entire existence. Yeah. That's heavy shit). Sometimes, we go places. This weekend, I'm going to paint with Lily. We also watch TV shows and have dense conversations concerning emotions and fandoms.
With Laney, we talk, cook, go on tumblr, and we wander through the woods on her property.
Those are the only two people I hang out with outside of school. I used to hang with Sam and we would pretty much smoke until I was so high I couldn't open my mouth to speak. Now, we don't hang out and I don't smoke because of that. Sometimes, I wish I could smoke just to have an escape and to relax my anxiety for awhile but I have other methods (ahem, Minecraft and Netfix).
Oh, yeah. If I'm alone for the weekend, I binge watch whatever TV show I'm into at that time (Criminal Minds lately) and I build elaborate things on Minecraft. That last one is embarrassing. The things I build are freaking awesome which is why it's kinda shameful. It basically shows how much time I have on my hands.
I also try exploring the interwebs for new music. Ahhh, music.
The point is, I have a boring life (thanks to anxiety).
Yay, my conversation with John is getting better! I always like talking about thinking haha.
I don't feel like I'm in a dark place but I kinda feel like I want to be. Depression does that. It draws me in and I just want to feel it again. It's the same with my migraines. If they're mild and I kinda forget about the pain, I focus on my brain and probe it to see if I can feel the pain again.
With any kind of pain actually. I like focusing on anything, anything that isn't the tangled thoughts in my head.
I wonder if my depression was just a lame attempt at distraction.
Oh god, i can never win with myself. I wanna be totally happy but I crave pain, too, it's just weird.
I hate myself when I'm sad but I miss it when I'm not.
Yeah, well. I'm gonna go focus on the conversations I am epically failing at. WHY AM I SO BAD AT DOING THE SOCIALIZING THING????
I put that Colorblind song up mostly because a lot of the time, I feel that way; dull and numb. I feel like I'm completely separate from the human beings I love and I just want to be with them but I need someone to pull me out of my own skin, so desperately.
OKAY I'M SORRY I'm being cheesy and I can't stand that (I also can't stand that I can't stand that, DO YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN?? I CAN NEVER WIN).
Goodnight, self. Goodnight.
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