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2014-10-30 17:48:49 (UTC)

Titles Are Too Hard

"Nineteen" by Tegan & Sara

I felt you in my legs
Before I ever met you
And when I lay beside you
For the first time I told you
I feel you in my heart
And I don't even know you


I felt you in my life before I ever thought to

October 20, 2014 Thursday 5:51 PM

I guess I understand the whole "soul mate" idea. I don't believe it but I get it.

I never let myself wander into those thoughts because I hate feeling stupid: "Maybe he's the one" and stuff. It's not hard to avoid those thoughts because I don't have a love life. I REALLY NEED ONE but at the same time, I am moody and difficult (hey guess what guys I have the traits of normal teenage girls) so I know that maybe I have more important stuff the worry about.... like maybe mild depression and super duper high anxiety.

Sorry, I'm only talking about this because I thought this song was cute and the lyrics kinda made me feel stuff which made me mad. Mad because that happens to me when fuzzy emotions show up. I will not show it but I develop feelings for people really fucking fast.

Probably teen hormones raging or something. The point is, I don't like it. For example, I had a crush on depressed-hispanic-kid some time ago and was constantly furious with myself and lemme just explain, I SHOULD NOT have had a crush on him. I don't even know him very well at all so it was weird and I was angry with myself.

I was also kinda furious with myself for having a crush on J awhile ago, mostly because I would end up zoning out a lot during class looking at him and that's creepy as fuck.

Welp. My self esteem is super low right now. Then other day, I looked really angry and Stephanie said to me, "Do you want to talk about it?" and I immediately said, "NO."

I feel bad because I kinda got mad at her for no reason but I just.. the feelings are so overwhelming that it's impossible to find words for them. Like, even with writing, I have to layer the sentences and whatnot just to portray half of how I'm feeling.

I'm really cold and it makes me want to stop writing. I'm also lazy which makes me want to NOT write about something I thought of.

(Okay, I was gonna write my semi-formed opinions on Capitalism and my questions about it but then I got lazy, sorry)

I noticed that I was really anxious about something I should not have stressed over. I mean, I was obsessively wondering if I was completely offensive when this one girl didn't even react to something I said,

I was worrying that her lack of reaction was her way of telling me she absolutely hated me or something and it was just weird and I felt insane for a second.

My anxiety is just mounting and I can't feel it in my stomach but I can sure as hell feel it fucking with my mind.

i think I say this every day but I feel scattered. Goodbye.