LustingforNightmares

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2014-10-29 15:44:54 (UTC)

Aaron Pisses Me Off

"Seagull" by The Shout Out Louds [OKAY I REALLY LOVE THIS SONG, IT'S SO CUTE AND I RELATE TO IT A LOT]

I came across, I came across, I came across a friend I didn't trust
I kissed his feet, I kissed his feet and I broke his knees
I came across, I came across, I came across a friend I didn't trust
I looked into his eyes and
I saw myself

October 29, 2014 Wednesday 3:51 PM


There is a crumpled up, soggy paper towel stuffed in a hole that was carved into a stone pillar in the corner of the cemetery down the street. It has been there for ages.

That has nothing to do with anything, I just like to keep you ghosts on your non-existent toes.

My head feels like shit. Physically and emotionally, actually. For one thing, I have a migraine but it's not too bad because I am still able to look at a computer screen without dying.

I have been so mean to myself today! It's crazy. I didn't go to school yesterday because I felt so shitty and I ended up sleeping for FIFTEEN HOURS. WHAT THE FUCK, THAT'S MORE THAN HALF THE DAY. ANNND it was incredibly easy for me to fall asleep again at ten.

I try and ignore every mean thing I say to myself but it's hard because most of the time, the insults aren't even words; they're just sharp feelings.

Also, my anxiety is high as fuck which makes me more awkward than usual.

I constantly just want to apologize to people for being in their presence. I hate that. I hate feeling like I have to apologize for my existence.

I also hate when I'm in a bad mood because I know that I'm really annoying when I get that way.

--------

JUST GETTING THIS OUT OF THE WAY:

Aaron pisses me the fuck off. She said today that she swears I'm absent like once a week.
First of all, I'm not. It's more like once every two weeks.

She was laughing but let me explain something to you; this is her way of passive aggressively insulting you and pointing out your flaws.

Last year, I wore a skirt one day and apparently it was too short because Aaron kept pointing out that she could practically see my ass (she laughed like it was a real fucking funny joke) and finally, during fourth period, I got really fucking pissed.

I probably didn't look that angry but if I'm mad enough to call you out in front of other people, then I'm about ready to punch you in your fucking face (oops, sorry, I sound pissed now and I'm swearing a lot).

Anyhow, I got up and was all close to her and I said, "What, so you think I'm a slut?"

Okay, obviously I knew she didn't think that. The thing is, in my memory, people were looking at us and I felt really guilty afterwards because I thought maybe my temper was uncalled for.

I don't care anymore, though, because the way I remember it, she pointed it out way too much considering I didn't have clothes to change into and if she wanted to say I should wear spandex next time or something, she should've just said it. I remember the shocked look on her face and how she said, "N-no, that's not what I was.." but I don't remember anything clearly after that.

She does the same fucking thing with my absences. I get enough shit from myself, though. She pesters me more than my parents. They don't bother me when some days I can't go to school because they know that I have problems.

Look, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm a lazy little shit. It's none of Aaron's business, though. She's not in my life and so she doesn't get to laugh about this stuff.

I had a bad day yesterday. I've had a lot of bad days this week. I am really depressed, which is different from my last week self. Wasn't my last week self happy? I can't even remember.

The point is, she's kinda right; I'm absent too much. She didn't outright say that but I've known her long enough to see through her behavior.

She meant: you're lazy. I don't get to be absent so much. it doesn't seem fair.

I'm nice. I'm not going to say the following to her face, but let me just shout it into the darkness, okay?

FUCK YOU, AARON. YOU'RE SELF-PITYING. YOU THINK WE DON'T INVITE YOU PLACES BECAUSE WE DON'T LIKE YOU BUT WE DON'T INVITE YOU PLACES BECAUSE THE TIMES WE HAVE DONE IT IN THE PAST, YOU DECIDED NOT TO SHOW.

WE DON'T HAVE THAT MUCH IN COMMON, AARON. YOU'RE NOT FORGOTTEN, YOU'RE JUST NOT THAT CLOSE WITH US ANYMORE.

DON'T SAY WE DON'T FUCKING TRY BECAUSE I SEE THE WORDS ON YOUR LIPS.

I TRY. I TRY MAKING SMALL TALK BUT WHENEVER WE TEXT, YOU DON'T EVEN TRY HAVING A CONVERSATION, YOU JUST REPLY WITH "LOL" OR "XD" LIKE WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT????

I TRIED TELL YOU I LOVED YOU, BECAUSE I SAY THAT TO ALL MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAT I'VE KNOWN FOR YEARS, AND YOU JUST SAID "OK" LIKE YOU WERE WEIRDED OUT. OKAY, SORRY, BUT NO.

No. Aaron, you're not allowed to be like this. You don't have the right to judge me. You don't get to say you're left out. You don't get to passive aggressively put your real thoughts on tumblr kind of hoping we'll see.

We fucking saw, okay Aaron? We saw that you felt like shit that we had fun.

Have some respect and call us out.

If you have something to say, please dear god, say it!!!

You have a boyfriend and you have many friends. You barely talk to us, why are we suddenly so important? You didn't seem to give a damn before.

I am absent from school because I am depressed and lonely. I don't do it on purpose. I don't wake up and say, "Hmm. School? Ah, fuck it."

No, I cry and it feels like the world is swallowing me and I am being ground into dust so fuck you and your opinions.

Why are there so many people who feel like they're allowed to judge others? That's why the world is so scary. You have to approach things more directly and in a kind way. Ask what's up, get the facts BEFORE you share opinions about stuff.

I half hope Aaron reads this, the same way she half hoped we would read her tumblr. I'm passive aggressive, too, so this entry was actually really hypocritical, haha.

Also, I now realize I don't know that much about Aaron's life these days and maybe she's not doing so hot right now either. There is definitely a reason she's being this way and it's not her fault, but I'm still kinda mad. Less mad, though.

A lot of people in Peer Leadership learned to think this way but I'm proud to say that this was already kind of how I thought of the world. I thought about reasons behind people's actions. Peer Leadership is mainly for me about social skills and healing and you know... being vulnerable.

Wow, this ended up being really long.

----

HOW I SEE MYSELF: (I'll do one of these when I feel happy again, too)

I think I'm pretty ugly. My nose is weird. If it were different, I might look good.
I hate my legs. They're fat. I like my hands but they are manly and it's weird. Like, they get kinda hairy sometimes but only thinly. My legs are that way too. They grow hair but it's always sparse. I appreciate that about myself.

My hair... annoys me most of the time. I really need to do something about my eyebrows but I can find tweezers, ugh. I think my feet are nice. They have a weird bone but other than that, they're really cute. I love my veins. Veins are beautiful. I like poking them. I like staring at them. I also like forearms. Maybe because they reminds me of blood and cuts.

When I take away the depression and reasons behind cuts, I think the blood against the skin is really beautiful. Sad, but beautiful. NOT THAT I THINK THAT'S SOMETHING SOMEONE SHOULD DO. Hell no. I'd probably cry if I saw a bloody arm, especially if it was a friend's.

I would stick around, though. I wouldn't run away just because they're bleeding.

My personality... Uhm, I think I'm annoying. I talk too much. I make really dumb jokes, but when having an actual intellectual conversation, I am less irritating. Also, I'm either too loud or too quiet. I can be a smart-ass. Academically, I do pretty well. I know I'm smart but I'm smart in a very particular way. I don't know exactly what to call it.

I'm not great at math. I'm in Trig which most people take their Junior year (I'm a sophomore) so I guess I'm good at testing but...

Math requires a certain creativity that I lack. First of all, you got to remember all the rules and then you have to think of ways to solve problems while working within those rules. That's hard for me.

I'm not that great at science but I think it's super cool.

I love Global Studies. I love it. I've had a thing for history ever since sixth grade. I can't really pinpoint what about it I love so much but I just find it... Amazing.

English... to be honest, I HATE english classes. They just make me mad. I love reading and writing, though. That's what I love doing. I just hate working on grammar and writing tons of essay drafts on stupid, short articles and I hate answering questions on books we read.

Spanish... I'm okay at it but I hate the class. It reminds me of how far I am from my culture and then I feel so heavy with guilt and regret. I like speaking the language, though. It's like a little slice of childhood. I used to speak it so easily. Incorrectly, but easily all the same.

Art is probably what I'm best at. I'm not particularly great (exhibit A, my artwork; http://be-yondrepair.tumblr.com/tagged/myart) but I'm good enough to get compliments. One of my art teachers is really nice to me! She's great. My other art teacher (ceramics), Mr. Sandwich, is okay but he doesn't talk to me and that's okay. He's friends with my sister and Ethan.

I think about Caroline and Ethan a lot but they haven't been contacting us reliably. Apparently, they left my mom's country and went to a neighboring one; Costa Rica. My sister was there for two months earlier this year. She's so far away.

She's so far away.

A lot of the time, I wonder if people think about me as often as I think about them. Like, does Daxton ever say to himself, "Huh. I wonder what's up with my cousin?" Probably not.

Probably not.


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