John Doe

Chronicles of a Drifter
2014-10-22 02:12:21 (UTC)

Entry 146

So, I guess I just need to reflect about this whole Air Force situation. You know fickle ol' me, can never adjust into one position on a topic. Always have to second guess some shit. In a way it is good but it's annoying when you want a surefire answer. So basically, I'm just afraid I guess. I'm afraid because it's getting close to that time and it's a big chunk of my life that I'm going to surrender. The price is high. The stakes are high. And it's a very risky situation for me to go into because reversing it would take a lot of effort and have many consequences. So I have to make sure that this is something that I'm not going to regret or I'm going to wish that I hadn't chosen. So, why am I joining? The reason is because of the accident. I'm afraid of financial ruin. I'm afraid of that lawsuit persecuting my family. So I'm joining the Air Force for financial reasons and saving up until 2017 in order to pay out of pocket, should the worst case scenario come into play. Although, I've been told this is unlikely. If this accident hadn't had happened, I would have never even fathomed joining...Is This a strong enough motivator? When I think about the accident, how it happened, what could have happened, and what could happen. The Air Force seems like a paradise. It's almost like a retribution to me, a sort of penance. I deserve this. I deserve to be put on the line because of how I fucked up. So the Air Force is a punishment to me...And a solution...Is this a good enough reason for me? I don't think it is. But when I think about my life and my motivation...My perspective changes. It's about my functioning in society. I've always been valued as a brain. Smart. Atleast, in school. But now, I'm not doing so well. Anywhere. At my jobs, I feel like an idiot trying to learn to crawl. I make a lot of mistakes, I can;t memorize any rules, I am too scattered and scrambled. It kills my self esteem. But I don't feel like trying because I feel like I'm somehow above that. I'm above Jamba Juice, I'm above Chipotle, I'm above Ross. Is this prideful of me? Am I just being arrogant? I can't shake it off my head that this is all just very insignificant and I guess my heart knows that the effort is in vain because it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter to me in the long run. It's just a job that I'm doing in order to get some cash and experience. The pay is nothing but it's something. My heart knows that this doesn't mean anything in the long run and I don't NEED it. I have no motivation to work hard, or to try my best, or give it my all. To put myself out there. But when I think about the Air Force or any military branch for that matter, I feel like it does matter. Lives are on the line, sacrifices are made, brothers are born and manifested within your team. I feel like a soldiers life is a tragedy. It's honorable and it's frightening. Standing in the sunlight in a flesh colored desert...Lugging around artillery to launch during a fire fight....Having that rifle hanging at your back and pain in your eyes. I think soldiers are beautiful. Nothing glamorous about it...I describe it as beautiful, brave, and necessary. Isn't this what I've always been about? Isn't this what I was born to do? Be the one who suffers so that no one else will? How many times have I said it? How many times have I preached and cried for this? I can reference many past entries where I state this as my purpose...This gives me the opportunity to put this to the test. I have to stand by my ideals and my values. My virtues...My reasons...My beliefs... I don't know of any other person who places value on abstract principles like I do. I don't think anyone see's them as good reasons to die anymore, except in films and flicks. I've been influenced by strong characters, sympathetic ones, and super heroes. I've fallen in love with heroines and tragic saviors. The Air Force harbors all of these dark desires that I've supressed and tried to hide away, and magnifies them. But the fear is present. The fear of the brutal fantasy I'm so familiar with coming to life. I've had dreams of getting beaten, I've had dreams of being defeated, and I've had dreams of falling. But those were victories on their own because out of my downfall rose a...a sort of, accomplishment. To keep a loved one safe, or get someone out of harms way. Even when others or deep in my own heart I knew that they did not merit it. It was undeserved. But that ending is so sad that when you put it under a certain light, it becomes gorgeous. I know this makes odd sense. That's one of the reasons I believe joining would do me good. I'd also get a sort of sense of glory. In my family...there's not too many professionals or people that have accomplished something great. No one really praises others for anything because the expectations are so high that they have never been truly achieved. Only one cousin of mine became professional and everyone was so proud because it was a moment of triumph in our family. To watch a lawyer be born from our humble roots and modest background. An elite was proclaimed! The paper with his name on it was a win on our part. But... my family will have to learn to not see in black and white. I'm not sure how they will react to me in uniform and mortal danger. They will worry. But I know the rest of my family will be proud. And if they do criticize, it's out of...agony. They will call me stupid for putting myself in a hazardous situation and selfish for giving out and away from them. But they will learn that my service is something to boast about. Their son, their brother, their nephew, their cousin, their grandson. A warrior. And my death won't be an illness or misfortune. It'll be an injury..a gorey and disturbing way to go into the next life. But it will be death with a purpose, and I won't have died for nothing. And on top of that, my family gets a nice big check. As I;ve said before, my final gift. My sacrifice. So why am I joining the Air Force? Is it truly for that accident? No...the accident sparked it. It was the ignition and it combusted a lot of emotions with conflagrant tendencies. It awoke a part of me that was begging to be exercised. It's an adventure and a test of strength of weakness. How dedicated am I to being the weak and meek boy who's willing to fall for those I love? Will I practice what I preach? what I proclaim? I will. This will be the thing in my life that I did that I can say with pride. And if I don't live to tell, others will say it for me. And I'll finally have what I've always wanted. To hear an I love you. God...thanks for helping me sort out these feelings. I know what I must do. I know why I'm doing it. You love me, right? I don't believe what the bible says that you think of me. What's in store for me. I believe in you...You know I do. So fine. I'll take the rifle...I'll be the manpower. I don't want to die...but can you do me a favor? If you're planning on sparing my life but leaving me with a crippling attachment or something debilitating...just finish me off. That's not a life. Bring me back as I was or not at all. Not if there's no repair. I was watching videos of soldiers and infantry men. I felt so bad for them. I feel like that will be my main motivator. Those beautiful brave men standing next to me or sitting across from me. They're so gorgeous, nothing bad should ever happen to them. They're so brave and selfless...I will hurt whoever dares hurt them. When they're fierceness in fueled in nobility. Good men should be allowed to live...Good men should come back home and reap the rewards. I want them to find good women to love. And live that American dream that I can never have. That I envy...I just want things to go okay.But I know that Obama won't be president for long. And the new president might declare full on war at some point in my four years of service. And I know that although I won't be stationed in warzones...I still have a very good chance of being deployed to fight over there...the reason being that monsters are made every day in the middle east. Islam harbors dark hearts. They will never stop. Never, ever. They will always exist. I believe that they will build up and cross the line with us. Maybe even I will be affected personally by one of their attacks. And then fighting will resume. But I'm tired. It's about to be 4 am...I'm going to go to sleep. I wrote what I needed too. I'm back on track. I'll be an Airmen.




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