That was probably THE worst Peer Leadership meeting I've ever been to.
The new people were nice and wonderful but these two girls who are regulars kept talking and then one of the new girls was also way too talkative. It irritated me beyond belief.
Also, I didn't get to vent.
I had sessions but my first one was with this girl who's face and manner somewhat remind me of Pat; I guess I'll call her Sherryl. She's so nice and funny and I like her a lot. I don't trust her, though, and that's not because of anything she did. It's just because I'm afraid and if I can't even hold eye contact with people, I doubt I can tell her things when we have only six minutes to talk.
Oh yeah. I'm pretty sure our two sessions combined, which were eight minutes, were so short because those talking people couldn't shut up long enough to let Bruce finish on time.
Being hateful is ugly but I'm annoyed; because of they were having too much fun, everyone else was left behind. Selfish-ness puts me in a pissed off mood.
My second session was with Polaris. I love Polaris but I hate having sessions with her. She was one of the girls who talks like throughout the fucking meeting. Polaris, you are wonderful and adorable but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE shut your face.
Okay, I can't talk to Polaris. She doesn't get me. When I was talking about how I don't like talking through bad moods and how that usually results in a mental breakdown, she just.. she didn't seem to get what a mental breakdown is for me. She said her mental breakdowns were just crying.
A mental breakdown for me is not just crying.
It's depression and it's cutting myself and it's refusing to get out of bed anymore. It's crying when I think I look fat and staying home because a hair is out of place. It's giving up on doing homework and hiding in the corners of classrooms, praying that the bell rings soon.
I'm dark, okay? I'm dark. I'm dark because I haven't had the chance or the bravery to talk through this shit.
I hate that I get offended by the lack of knowledge some people have about GAD and depression. It's not fair to them and it's not healthy for me.
I'm just sad now. I'm sad and I feel quite heavy. I haven't stopped moving. In fact, I'm trembling. I swear to god, though, I can't stop moving. I twiddled my thumbs for the two and a half hours I spent at Peer Leadership.
I jiggled my leg all day, twirled and tapped my pencil in speedy motions. Even during my sessions, I was talking so fast and I could barely finish my sentences before being distracted.
Okay. I swear to god, I can't if I'm super lonely or I hate myself or both.
Goodnight. I need to try and escape myself, now.
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