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2014-10-26 13:29:22 (UTC)

Sleepless Nights

Dear Diary,

Just when i thought i could start to get my life back on track everything took another downward spiral. i feel like the walls are slowly starting to inch closer and there's nothing i can do about it.

i can't tell my housemate how much of a mess i am because i've always felt like i needed to be the strong one. I can easily tell when other people are faking happiness but yet when i do it it seems that I'm naturally brilliant at hiding the truth, sometimes even from myself.

i look for human interaction as something that can easily take my mind off things. Things like going to work or out with friends was always the easiest way for me to get away from my troubles yet nowadays it seems to be something that feels like effort.

music should be my saving grace in this instance however every song has a memory, every line every lyrics and every note touches a part of me and it feels like my heart is bleeding.

i miss my family and my friends back home more than i really ever let on and all i seem to do is ignore them because hearing their voice, seeing their names and not being able to actually be close to them is slowly killing me.

i thought i was strong enough to face this world on my own however now i'm just not too sure.

earlier this year i was diagnosed with mild depression and high anxiety. i don't get my hair done anymore, don't get my nails done, i don't know who i am. i used to do so much on so little and now getting up in the morning seems like it's the biggest struggle. how is this normal, how is this right?

everyone tells me that you need to have someone who you can talk to. i tried this, i made friends with people who i thought were genuine and i could trust and all that happens is that they take that trust and burn it until there's no trace of it left then lie to my face.

two months into moving to a new store and a new city and someone who i thought was a friend broke me by spreading a rumour around my work place. four months after that another one was spread about me. i used to be at the top of my game, loving life, loving myself, knowing who i was. now i feel like a fly with their wings caught under a rock, unable to move, barely able to catch a breath.

who can you really trust in this world. people will use you and abuse you until you have nothing left. you pick yourself back up in the hopes that it will all be okay and it happens again and again and again.

i don't know how much more of this i can take. i'm so sick of being the strong one. i'm sick of being the person that everyone can talk to yet can listen. i'm sick of being so scared about life that i push other people away in the hope that they will be happier without me in their lives.

i'm living off the prayer that someday my luck will change and i will be able to walk out of my apartment and know that everything is okay and i am who i am and i can be confident...but how much further do i really have to fall before this happens?

anyway i suppose i should get back to searching for the key to happiness right.


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