2014-10-25 20:20:08 (UTC)

Dear Erica

"Dear Old Dad" by Friska Viljor [this song is amazingly beautiful]

i don't know what to say to keep you hanging on
let's just talk for a while about the things that matter most
it's in these times that it seems we're getting close
you know what you mean to me at least that's what i hope

oh dear old dad
don't you dare regret a thing
your precious heart
is the best there ever been for me

8:21 PM

[Get ready for some formal apologies, yo. By the way, this is gonna be really annoying and kind of dumb but whatever]

Dear Erica,

You know how when you get a dog and he/she pees in the house? You're supposed to push the dog's nose real close to the urine and say, "No! No!" in a serious tone. You'll see why I mentioned this in a second, okay?

I'm sorry. You'll never read this. I know this and that's why I'm writing it. I don't think I'd be able to apologize in person, anyway. If I did, you'd maybe feel guilty that I feel guilty and it would just be a huge mess.

Remember when I accidentally cyber-bullied you in sixth grade? I'm sorry. Yes, it's been four years but I'm still so sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am. Don't worry, though, I punished myself for a couple years after that. I'm quite damaged because of that but that was never, EVER your fault. Ever.

That's what I mean, though. You shove the dog's nose to the urine. I did that with the mess I made. I made sure I never forgot it. I never let myself forget.

I didn't even realize I was bullying you. You were my close friend. It was a prank in the beginning. I got lost in it, though. You remember.

When you found out and when I was told off, I cried and I realized what I had done and wow, that was my life's turning point I guess (my life has been pretty boring).

You forgave me so quickly. Why? Whatever. I didn't feel I deserved your forgiveness so I punished myself.

I was around that age where you have finished realizing you exist. You know how it dawns on a person over time that they are real? And that other people are real? Well, yeah, I'd finished realizing that people had their own opinions and their own lives and there was an entire universe outside my head.

It sounds dramatic to say "my world came crashing down around me" because really, the deterioration of who I was before sixth grade was super slow. It was pretty much normal, except instead of developing a different personalty and learning how to deal with people, I got super depressed.

I had always thought I was a good person but after that cyber bullying incident, I remembered all the mean things I'd done to people I called my friends and I came to conclusion that I was awful and unworthy of love.

I was still really anxious before that incident. So it's not like that was completely the cause, but it sure did help.

I forced myself to watch movies on cyber bullying, I forced myself to stare at the cyber bullying school presentations and I read articles about people who were cyber bullied to the point where they killed themselves.

I made myself remember what I was capable of.

So... yeah. I just kinda wanted to say I paid for what I did. There are other things I owe you, though.

Including a SHITLOAD OF APOLOGIES. I stopped talking to you really slowly. It wasn't because I didn't like you. I DID like you, you were my friend. I can't explain why I did it, it's just something I do.

I pull away for no reason.

I'm sorry I blew you off when you tried making plans with me. I'm sorry I lacked enthusiasm in our conversations and I really regret it.

I really do. So, yeah. Sorry. I miss you. You were always really nice to me. Do I think we can still be friends? I think we're different now, so I wouldn't know. Ummmm... yeah bye. OH WAIT, remember that time you showed up to the science finals high on some "devil" pill or something???

I remember that, haha, wow. OH AND I love you for reading The Catcher In The Rye. You were such a hardcore fan and I loved that because before then, I hadn't met another teenager who'd read the book. Also, you suggested the documentary about J.D. Salinger and I watched it and it was really good.

Yeah, well. I miss you! I hope you're happy and stuff. :D Maybe we'll talk soon but probably not.