The Girl with Tar

Quitting For Real
2014-10-22 02:41:50 (UTC)

Day One (Great Start!!!)

Today was not nearly as bad as I was fearing it was going to be. When compared with my cold turkey attempts, today was easy as a breeze. My lungs hurt now, like I can feel the tar dislodging and my lungs are groaning in protest. It tempts me into picking up a cigarette to make that pain go away, but that temptation is so easy to laugh at and ignore.

The gum helps so much. Between gum doses I suffer, a bit. But when my urges are given time to grow, that's when they become agonizing. And as long as I stay with it on the gum thing, I should be fine for a long time. Maybe I'll pass through the three day peak just as easily as I passed through today.

I'm trying to space out the gum so I don't have to lie in my bed at night and writhe because I'm in too much pain to do much else. I'm sure my lungs will hate me even more in the mornings.

I felt weird today. The expected mood swings happened... sorta. I felt irritable when out in public, but in my house it easily washed away. I felt like crying one moment and then laughing another... I even exercised today, something I never do. It wasn't much... Just a couple beginner yoga poses, 10 push ups, and 5 really pathetic sit ups in which I stuck my feet underneath the living room chair and mostly had to use my legs to pull myself up. (Note to self, don't fucking do that. Use your abs!)

The urges feel different. I still want a cigarette even when I am getting the nicotine I need, but it's more habit. And it's more of a pain reliever for the lungs, rather than a withdrawal reliever.

I'm actually really really really surprised with myself. I completely expected myself to give in and buy another pack of cigarettes, and then hate myself while I chain smoked. Tomorrow will be harder, I know. I won't have had any cigarette-nicotine in my system from the previous night tomorrow. I can currently feel the urge growing in my body; it's almost time to make myself burn my throat some more. (The tingling in the gum is more of a burning sensation. It feels like I am sick and thirsty and smoke is continually rubbing across the back of my throat.)

I also expected the gum to taste like shit. It barely tastes like anything, though. I was faintly reminded of alfalfa (???? it tastes nothing like how alfalfa smells...) with the first piece.

I'm actually proud of myself. A little. I haven't had a single cigarette all day AND I threw away cigs and a lighter.

(another note: Find that working lighter and chuck the blue one. The orange one is more sentimental.)

We'll see how tomorrow goes.

Once again, fingers crossed.




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