A Strange Situation
" As the Sea Swells She Bleats and Moans like a Goat in Heat" by The Slowest Runner In All The World
[First of all, what a name. Second of all, a very good friend suggested this to me and wow, it's beautiful. It makes me kinda want to cry in a bittersweet way. AWW IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL. THE COMBINATION OF THE VIOLIN (unless it's viola, I can't tell) WITH THE PIANO IS SOOO GOOD. IT MAKES ME WANT TO PRACTICE PIANO AGAIN]
October 18, 2014 Saturday 11:32 AM
I have just gotten back from school. I went there this morning to take the PSATs. I think I did okay, but I want another crack at it sometime in the future because
1) Most of this week, I didn't have time to study and it was confusing trying to find an online study guide
2) I didn't get a study booklet from the school because they ran out and even if I had, it was given to us 24 hours before the exam. Way to promote healthy study habits, huh?
Okay. I just want to say something and it has nothing at all to do with the PSATs. Actually, this entire entry will mostly have nothing to do with the test but I felt the need to mention it, anyway.
I complain about my friends (even though I only have.. well, not even a handful) on here a lot. Here's why:
This is a private place for me to vent. I know that my opinions of my friends are probably not completely accurate and are at times harsh, but it's necessary for me to get out because otherwise, all my annoyance towards them just grows inside of me and I can barely stand their presence.
When I talk about my friends, I am angry but I still love them.
Some of my friends, I don't complain about at all and I can explain why. They do very little to annoy me and when they do, it is usually too petty for me to even consider acknowledging in my diary.
I complain about Lily very, very occasionally and usually, it's just because I am particularly sensitive about everything on that day. This might be weird, but I kind of put Lily on a pedestal. I know she's not a perfect person but she's really wonderful in a way that many people aren't. She has a really good amount of awareness and is accepting and beautiful in pretty much every way. I SHOULD PROBABLY SHOWER HER WITH COMPLIMENTS MORE BECAUSE SHE NEEDS TO KNOW SHE IS ALMOST PERFECT.
I have another friend who is pretty much perfect and that would be imjust_here07 (it's her username thing, ok?) and she's the one who suggested this song so the world should just deeply appreciate her music taste, alright?
Okay, but now on to the darker part of things. I regret writing bad things about my friend. I have reasons arguing against my guilt, but my feelings really don't give a flying fuck.
Like, sometimes I say that I really, truly hate Sam. And sometimes I do. It's pure, black hole that soils everything I want to be. I'm not super virtuous or anything ("what's the point?" says my head, "that's fucking boring.") but feeling so hateful towards Sam makes me wonder if I'm just a hateful, dirty child.
Everyone has flaws but Sam's are really very fucked up and I'm not sure I can accept her for that.
For one thing, I find it APPALLING that she is racist. I think she's hateful and judgemental: A black hole into which all good feelings are sucked. Sam called her mom a stupid cunt more than once in the twenty or so minutes we spent walking from my school to the street that leads to her house.
I know their relationship isn't the best and both sides have made mistakes. It's not my place to judge her for what she says about her family, you know? I don't have enough information regarding them. I still find it shocking when she says stuff like that, though.
I don't know, though. I think we're friends.
Being friends with her kinda makes me feel like I'm doing the wrong thing. For one thing, my cynical side becomes more apparent whenever I am with her. It's not healthy. She bonds with negativity. I think being too cheery annoys her.
She is almost everything I don't want to be. She is narrow minded and antisocial. So what is it that makes me friends with her? What makes me talk to her and what makes me want to talk to her?
Is it the prospect of weed? I dunno because it's been like two months since I last smoked and I don't expect to smoke with her anytime soon either.
I don't want to ask her about getting weed, either.
The point is, I can't figure out why we're friends and I am aware that she's someone I should be avoiding but I can't.
And I don't know why that is.
Update on my fragile emotions; self esteem has returned to baseline. Which basically means low as HELL. That sucks because I like feeling pretty. I've been talking to people more, though. I think I'm doing okay and since I can remember what it felt like to be positive and happy, I am determined to not let myself feel depressed again.
Also, it's been hard to stay asleep. I was happy because the past two nights, I have been falling asleep in under an hour but it's very light sleep. I wake up easily and sometimes I open my eyes to darkness without warning. I'm suddenly ripped from my dream world, thrown back into a quiet reality, nothing to stimulate me other than the voice in my head.
Oh. Also, I'm nauseas. This is like the fifth day in a row I have noticed being nauseas for no reason. I occasionally get painful aches in my head that go away within a minute or so. My body kinda aches and when I woke up this morning, my throat was kind of soar like I had been screaming all night or something.
Thanks, body. Thanks a lot.
Why does 'thank you a lot' sound so weird???
OH. Today I'm going to Lily's. I believe Laney and Aaron will be there. Maybe not Aaron. We're going to watch The Fault In Our Stars.
They're so excited but I feel kinda bitter because everyone gives that book so much praise and why??? Why??? I read it twice (in seventh grade) and I thought it was sooo good but I have found much better books since then. I kinda wish people would stop talking about that book.
I DIDN'T EVEN LIKE AUGUSTUS WATERS. HE DIDN'T EVEN SEEM REAL. LIKE, THEY NEVER FOUGHT EXCEPT FOR WHEN SHE THOUGHT HE WAS SMOKING. UGHHH.
oKay, I'm done. Nice afternoon to y'all.