2014-10-14 00:11:18 (UTC)


October 14, 2014 Tuesday 12:11 AM

I've been trying to sleep for about an hour but my body will not cooperate. I had three cups of coffee today so that's probably the problem, oops.

That's not the problem though. My breathing was weird. I could take deep breaths but I didn't feel like I was breathing. It's really weird and my lungs ache a little. I'm not anxious and I have nothing to be worried about.

Each time I inhale, I get the feeling that I am breathing too smoothly. It's almost like I'm not feeling the oxygen enter my lungs. My head feels like it's buzzingz Fucking caffeine!!!! UGHHH it's gonna be really fucking hard to get myself up tomorrow. I smell really good, though. My skin like vanilla and I'm hair like... Um... Delicious smelling shampoo.

I think I can breathe again but I can't tell and I feel a bit sick and my head hurts and there is a muscle on my back connecting to my neck that has ached for days.

I also had a realization that kind of disturbed me for an unknown reason. I visited Santa Cruz two years ago and we stayed with a friend of my dad's. I remember everything about that day. I was with Daxton and my sister and my mother at a beachside amusement park.

It's a really beautiful, peaceful memory.

This is where is vets hazy, though. I remember returning to the woman's house and I remember eating dinner. I also remember the following hours but I don't not remember ever sleeping there. There is nowhere else we could've gone and I remember that we were supposed to set up the futon but I don't remember sleeping.

I remember the next morning we took a hike.

I don't remember sleeping.

That's probably not abnormal. It's most likely typical to forget falling asleep but I don't even remember laying down or being woken up. I don't even know if I ate breakfast, but somehow I remember playing with the magnets on her fridge that morning.

It bothers me that I don't remember sleeping. Of course, there have been other times in which I have not recalled falling unconscious but I always seem to know that I did that.

I always vaguely realize that is what happened and I always remember where I slept, even if I can't remember laying down in that area.

In this case, though, I can't remember anything at all. I might remember a digital clock on a small table, but is that a real memory? Or am I just trying to compensate for the black hole where an idea of what happened is supposed to be?

Why is there nothing there? Something eventful happened before my memory goes blank and maybe that's why the next few hours are gone from my memory. It was just an embarrassing thing that my sister STILL TEASES ME ABOUT (I clogged her toilet and idk, it just got bad, ok?) but i dunno.

Maybe that is why I can't remember anything after lying down (moaning about how embarrassed I was, haha) on the rug.

I am sto deeply unsettled by the fact that there is a gap in my memory. I can remember everything else about that day very vividly. Towards those forgotten hours, everything g starts getting hazy, though.

It's just... Strange. I think I remember a patterned blanket and being woken up my someone. Who, though? My dad? Which side of the futon was I sleeping on? Why does this feel like the only thing I have ever forgotten about? Is it because once I have realized that I forgot something, it usually comes back to me?

Okay. I will now continue trying to sleep. I will remember trying to sleep. I will remember where I slept and I will remember that my alarm woke me up in the morning and I will remember that I could breathe even though it felt like I couldn't.

Why can't I clearly remember sleeping in that house?

More importantly, why did I remember the lack of memory today? What thoughts caused to me recall something that is not even tucked away in my brain?

And why does it matter so much to me?