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2014-10-13 20:14:11 (UTC)

Thank God for Medication

Thank God for medication is all I have to say, I was so overwhelmed and felt like I could not take another minute, almost called my counselor for the first time and was NOT wanting to do that but was at such an almost uncontrollable state that I almost called. But the meds and the weed are kicked in now and I am calmed down. I am so overwhelmed that I cant even deal with the smallest of things. My house has been full of children for days which I credit for keeping me going on auto pilot, otherwise I may have already lost it. My husband has me in such a chaotic state one minute hes talking suicide because of his pain then the next minute he thinks Im having an emotional affair with someone then he says we arent sexually compatible and for me to go have sex with someone else. If I talk to him Im a bitch if I dont Im a bitch, all he has wanted to do for days is argue, and I just cant handle it. Doesnt matter what i say or do its wrong. Im so wore out from this relationship. I was thinking the other day about i will give it one more year, then I thought about how I have said that for so many years in fact so many it has been since before our marriage. I think what I have I done with all of these years waiting for something to change. why could I never leave all that time? Why cant I still leave now? I have been over this in my mind for years, and have never been able to figure this out. How does he have this power over me that I let myself be miserable. the only thing i can think of is because he is not a bad man, and it is stupid shit that needs to change to make me happy, not major things. i guess thats the reason.