LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2014-10-06 15:40:46 (UTC)

Blocked


"The World At Large" by Modest Mouse [I've posted this song before but I discovered some lyrics I didn't know of before]

I like songs about drifters - books about the same
They both seem to make me feel a little less insane

Walked on off to another spot
I still haven't got anywhere that I want
Did I want love? Did I need to know?
Why does it always it always feel like I'm caught in an undertow?
The moths beat themselves to death against the lights

October 6, 2014 Monday 3:42 PM


Alright. Alright. Alright.

Here's the thing; I don't want to be totally perfect. I mean that. I'm not just saying that because it's edgy or something.

What I want is to feel perfectly. I want to have the right thoughts about things and I want to react in the right ways. I know, I know. There's not "right" opinion or whatever because of how a problem looks from different angles.

What I mean is, sometimes, I know how I should be feeling towards something or someone. I know how I should've reacted. What I can't understand is why my feelings won't agree with my logic.

Let's say my sister gets something nice. I want to feel happy for her because that is the mature way to feel, but feelings leftover from childhood creep in and make me jealous.

It annoys me. The things are feel are not right and they make me weak.

Why is it that lately, every time I sit down to write down the thoughts I had on my walk home, they've long disappeared?

This makes me feel even worse. Where are the words when I need them? Where are the thoughts I had in those moments? Why am I stuck? How is it possible that I seem to have writer's block when I'm writing about my own fucking life???

Okay. Okay. Back to my original plan. I may not write for a couple days. I may attempt to write and it will end up short and vague and not at all how I imagined it would be.

All my entries are a little bit like that, but lately... I just haven't been able to figure out what I am feeling, and if I do, that clarity doesn't last long enough to write.

I'll start with my day so that I haven't wasted ten minutes on this. It was good. It was incredibly uneventful, as is my entire life. I kinda wish I had more memories. I can remember things, but nothing exciting happened in my life. Anything stupid I did was to myself. I kinda wish i did something stupid (not counting smoking weed, because hey, cross that off) just for the hell of it, and I'm hoping I do that before I graduate.

I didn't make any new friends. I didn't enjoy my art classes. I'm stuck there, too! In ceramics, I'm always working really slow because I'm a bit lost when it comes to making clay into pretty things.

In Drawing & Painting, I keep trying to begin my project, but I can't think of what to do for my pen & ink drawing. I think I should do a hand, but what should the hand be holding? And why are all the hands I draw coming out wrong?

This is especially frustrating because I am actually GOOD at drawing hands, but for some reason, I suck this week.

I just want to feel better. I feel like I'm looking at the world from the ground (which I guess in a literal sense, I am). I want my perspective to be high up, so I can see everything. Wow, these sentences are shitty.

I know how I should feel. I should feel happy, that is the "mature" way for my emotions to be behaving. The child in me won't let it go and I don't know what to do.

Let me go, goddamn! Aw, man, I have to go. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist lady who may/may not put me back on medication. Oh, well.


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