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2014-10-04 10:13:56 (UTC)

Emotions Suck

"you want to be
bold ink, ripped jeans,
tell-all diary,
you want to be someone different,
someone new
everyone always
forgets about you.
you’re a mixture of everyone you want to be
but you fall short:
you are bleeding lips, bruised knees.
you tried to write your own definition once
and just gave
just who are you,
my love?
and will you ever
be enough?

- R.I.D."

[sorry, I love this poem, even though it's really depressing and I tend to roll my eyes at anything that is too emotional *cough cough* Brock, *cough coughity cough* myself ugh]

October 4, 2014 Saturday 10:13 AM

You know what vicious thought I have too much? "You're not enough." It always manages to bring me down. It's not that I feel incomplete, I just... Okay, maybe I feel incomplete, who knows.

I hate waking up. Last night, I was in the middle of a disorienting bad dream (the whole thing was like a giant, abstract painting that can move) and somehow, real life was worse???


I just wake up and my lungs feel too full, my mouth feels like sandpaper, and my muscles are screaming at me to wake up. I got the twelve hours of sleep I've been craving all week, but I'm still tired.

OKAY, THIS IS ANOTHER THING THAT MAKES ME FEEL INADEQUATE. I can't take care of myself or get myself through the bad times! How is that attractive??? It isn't. It scares people and I'm tired of that.

I keep thinking of people I used to know. Some are labeled in my head with an angry, "FUCK YOU, YOU DIDN'T TRY HARD ENOUGH." but most are, "I'm sorry, it was me, wasn't it?"

Ew, fuck, ewwww. Why am I so disgustingly frail and whatnot?

Okay. Okay, normally, I'd have written more like this and I know my entries haven't been super organized as of late (were they ever neat??), but I am so, so, unbelievably tired and I wish my body would let me go back to sleep. The words in my head are resting and I think I should go distract myself again.

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