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2014-10-01 15:46:32 (UTC)

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"Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning to do afterwards."

-Kurt Vonnegut

3:46 PM

I have a list in my head. Well, I have a lot of lists. I mean, I love lists.

I mean I have a list of things I am not allowed to think about. It's long. As I have become more tired, more things are added and I avoid them in my head.

They come more often now, those thoughts. I'm just trying to preserve what little energy and tolerance for life I have left. It's really annoying waking up in morning, feeling more tired than I did when I fell asleep.

I also hate that I feel like crying in the mornings now. It has nothing to do with education right now. I am not thinking about the future because I can't even imagine myself somehow making it to the end of the week.

I know I'm gonna make it, but I have no idea how. What I do know is it's gonna hurt like a motherfucker.

YOU KNOW WHAT??? I can't tell if I'm just tired because the school year is fully underway or if it's actually because I have problems.

I also can't tell if I'm rational or super emotional and I don't know if it's possible to be both.

For example: I know for a fact that no one can read my mind. So why is it that I conduct my thoughts like someone IS reading them? It's terrifying, thinking someone can read your mind and your thoughts, all the inappropriate things in your head, all the flashing images of things you never wanted to share. I can't stand too close to strangers because I can feel them invading me (even though they're not).

I know all too well that no one can fucking read my fucking mind. That's not enough to convince my head, though.

I thought'd I'd be okay off medication. I wonder if me being in this mood is my fault? Like, maybe I just make myself sad. It's all my doing, probably, all my fault, right?

I get visitors in my dreams. They're people I don't know anymore. I hate it. I wake up depressed.

Last night, me and all these people (plus a few I still talk to) were cuddling in an abnormally large bed (maybe the whole room was a bed, actually) and this guy I used to know was cuddling with me.

All was well until he started talking. I think we got into an argument because he thought I felt something I didn't feel at all. He thought I was jealous of something, which made me mad, so I left the room. I was only gone for a short while, maybe a minute, but when I returned, everyone was gone.

I was alone. That's when I realized I was in a giant house/puzzle. In order to get to other rooms, I kept having to push weird buttons in a puzzle-like fashion.

I tried looking for them, but I woke up before I could find them.

I lost those people because I stopped talking to them. I disappeared, expecting that when I returned, everything would be fine.

I hate dreams. God, I don't want the truth, I don't even want to be conscious right now, I just want to be distracted or asleep.

All this that I just wrote is a crude summary of all that I thought of on the way home from school, today.

I know, I say this every day but; I am so tired. Trying to get all my thoughts down just wears me out even more, but it's therapeutic.

It makes me feel better, knowing that I can explain why I act so stupid and closed-off all the time, and why I am quite energetic when I'm talking to other people when actually, I feel the opposite way.

I don't know.

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