2014-09-29 12:24:38 (UTC)

Moonrise Kingdom

"Acetate" by Volcano Choir

I'll be in the ocean,
I'll be out there for weeks.
I will never tolerize
I will never fortify.
the apple on the orchard's ground.
No longer feeling tepid now.

Sept. 29, 2014 Monday 12:25 PM

Since I cried earlier, my emotions have settled into flatness. I am not calm. There is a burning in my stomach that won't leave me alone. It screams vulgarities. Maybe that's my mind, though. Maybe my stomach acid is fearful. Maybe that's why it's hurting me. It just wants to escape this prison.

I have just finished watching Moonrise Kingdom. That is a cute movie. It diluted my sadness, I guess, and it's on my favorite movies list because it reminds me of a fairy tale. Impossible, but beautiful, and a little creepy.

The movie reminds me of Kings Of Summers. I like movies where children run away from their lives. It reminds me of warm weather and the woods behind the cemetery. I like camping a lot. Mostly, I like the time away from the pressure of daily living. I like that mountains don't care about me. My parents never understand my desire to be alone, but I just like to think. If I am away from the world, just thinking, I am fine.

It's confusing, though, because sometimes, being alone is not okay for me.

I don't know. I'm confused. I'm tired of trying to find a pattern and I'm tired of needing to be saved. I don't want to be a princess. Lots of girls do, but being a princess is not my idea of perfection.

I think of princesses as having everything done for them. They're idolized and shit. While I think I'd make a great leader (if I were emotionally healthy), I just want to be that person in the background whose face you can't remember at first.

My idea of changing to world would be to make people THINK about everything. Not just about social issues, but think about why they feel a certain way towards certain things.

I can probably do that through writing or something. I'd love to be rich, but I also kind of like being anonymous. I don't know how to get both. (my mother's voice in my head is saying, "MARRY A RICH GUY" and then she bursts out laughing, like no one has ever said that before. Ahh, mom.)

Anyway, the point is I don't want to be a princess and I don't want to be saved. The only issue is it is seeming more and more like I need to be rescued.

I don't feel very strong or motivated. I just feel like the days have gotten a lot longer and everything is too quiet.

If I weren't a person, I'd be part of the ocean.

My books came in today! I ordered One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kesey, John Dies At The End by David Wong, A Monster Calls by Patrick Ness, and House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski.

I put them in order of height and width and I'm reading One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest first (it's the shortest/thinnest).

I know. I haven't been very interesting. I've probably been very repetitive. The sunlight coming through the windows is cold. That's how I feel right now. I don't know if that makes sense to myself. I don't care. I'm not in the mood to make sense.


If I could go anywhere right now and leave my whole life behind, I'd go to Scotland. Why? I don't know. I read in a book once about how beautiful Scotland is and I'd like to see it. It's nice to think about leaving. I feel stuck here. My head feels quiet.


Sometimes, i feel like screaming at my head, "I don't want to see that, I don't want to see that."

It shows me anyway. Why does it do that? How is reliving the terrible moments in my life in any way beneficial?

I am concerned. Sometimes, I feel like I can see the fucked up world for what it is but there are so many layers and somehow, they're all different and it's all really fucking hard to understand. How does my head stay in one piece? It should have exploded. There is too much. How does it all fit?

I think the problem is that I am looking through too many people's eyes. Everyone sees differently and it seems like for many things, there is no truth that we ever come to understand.

And god, saying all this just makes me feel like an outsider.

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