LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
2014-09-29 08:27:33 (UTC)

Pathetic


8:27 AM

So, I feel quite pathetic. Today is picture day and I couldn't find an outfit. I settled for one but then I woke up my mom, since she was supposed to give me a ride. I asked her what she thought and she said I didn't match.

I started to freak out and she didn't help because she's a very angry person who quickly gets fed up with my morning anxiety.

Even as my panic was heightening, I knew that I was being incredibly dumb and an outfit was not worth freaking out over. I dunno.

I hate days like this. How am I supposed to feel good about myself if sometimes I cry before leaving the house??? Another thing I hate is going someplace when I know my nose is all red due to crying.

I don't even like crying in front of my friends, and if I begin crying at school, I WILL have a panic attack. Every single time since elementary school that I have cried in school, a panic attack joined me.

God, I am so pathetic and I feel like shit.

I wish Caroline was here. She would've been able to stop me from freaking out. She did that when we went snorkeling and I stopped being able to breathe because the ocean is really fucking frightening. I mean, yeah, I love the ocean.
It's my favorite place but that's partly because it's so scary, haha. I like being scared, sometimes.

I was leaning against my wall, pissed with myself because today I'm probably gonna lie in bed and cry every few hours.

On one hand, my nice self wants to stroke my hair and let me rest but the majority of myself is shouting at me and saying I'm stupid and weak for not being able to complete a simple task and how can anyone love me when I'm this irrational??

I remembered that I've already missed a day of school and I've been late or left early a couple times, too. Ah, shit, I had stuff do to today.

Anyway, that remembering made me feel like this year is already shaping up to be me not trying hard enough.

I can't help wondering how I am gonna make it. I don't think I will. So I cried more, because it depressed me to realize that I can't make it, I can't.

I can't tell my parents this because they'd get worried and start taking away all the sharp things and locking up all the pills.
I'm not planning on killing myself, but every time I think it's not possible to be anymore exhausted, my tiredness increases and I just feel hopeless because my depression won't let me move and my anxiety won't let me rest.

I don't want to go to the hospital. I'm remembering all the restrictions on what you could have and how hard it was to sleep and the lonely classrooms. Shit, I don't want to go back but where can I go?

I see myself getting worse and I see myself getting weaker but I don't know what to do. I have no one to talk to and so I guess right now I'll just go cry into my blankets because, as I said before, I am pathetic.


Wow. I am so pathetic.


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