Adaptations of a Teenage Girl
"Tiderays" by Volcano Choir
September 28, 2014 Sunday 11:40 AM
There is so much more gray than there ever was black or white.
What am I feeling right now? Am I mad? No, not really. More like.. annoyance. Some mild version of anger.
I had a couple nice conversations with Laney, today. I find that it makes it easier to deal with her being frigid by just poking fun at her for it.
I guess it annoys me sometimes that I have to be so adaptive, but I supposed adapting is what life is all about. Or some shit. How would I know? I'm fifteen and a half years into my life. So far, it seems to be about adapting. It probably isn't about one single idea. Whatever, the meaning of life bores me. I figure, what is the point of wondering? There's so much more you can be doing, like overthinking every SINGLE THING YOU HAVE EVER DONE.
I've been thinking a lot about this lack of intense feelings. I know my heavier emotions are still there, and I'm wondering if my "adaptive" state has simply progressed. Like, before, I still felt these things clearly, but I didn't give a fuck. I was laughing at it all, because (for some reason) my feelings seemed so pointless and temporary.
I am not going crazy. The moment I begin thinking I am going crazy, I feel like I might actually lose it and start doing some crazy impulsive stuff. Maybe, I'm weak. I feel like if someone offered me drugs, I'd be all, "HELL YES."
Look, I smoke weed (occasionally, and less often during the school year because I enjoy not feeling super lazy and tired) and I will drink alcohol if I feel the situation is safe (although, after that summer incident, I will probably resist because I don't want to go and make out with anymore people).
What I mean is, if someone offered me acid or something heavier than weed, I'd probably take it. I've never considered myself impulsive. Having anxiety has made my mind run off in a thousand different directions, preparing for the worst.
I prepare for being kidnapped, for being mugged by a guy with a gun, for murdered, for rape, for fucking everything. I used to lie awake at night and make plans on how I would escape if my house were on fire and my door was blocked by the inferno. This was when my dog could sleep in my room. I'd tie a blanket around her waist and lower her out the window (I didn't want her legs to break) and then I'd jump out myself.
Of course, my house never burned down, so there was no reason to make these plans.
Do you see, though? I'm not impulsive. Almost every "bad" thing I've done is pre-meditated (although I don't think weed is bad if smoked in moderation. I think people are just fucking uptight. Unless they have addictive personalities. In that case, stay away from drugs, I guess).
I don't know if I want to feel things intensely, anymore. Maybe, being the way I am now is how other people feel all the time.
This is nice. Right now, it's nice.
I mean, anxiety never leaves me, but some of the edge has been taken off by not caring what happens to me.
I think about Daxton a lot. I wonder how he's doing. I wonder if he's seeing or hearing things, or if he feels better.
I wonder how his relationship with his girlfriend is going. In short, I miss him. I hate talking to him via internet because it's so awkward. Within five minutes of starting a conversation, we run out of things to talk about. It was easier in person, but I only see him like once a year for two weeks.
Hahah, I used to fucking hate him. Well, no, I loved him but he annoyed me so much. I still wonder how it would have been if he lived with us. I always wanted a brother. I had Ethan for awhile, but he's all grown up and I barely see Caroline, let alone him, too.
Now, they're in another country. I wonder how they are, too.
But back to Daxton! He went from least favorite cousin to my favorite. That's probably because he's dark and funny.
Yeah. I'm glad he's living with my other uncle and all, but STILL. It would've been really nice and a lot less lonely to have family around here. We are isolated. All I have is my parents and Caroline. Well, my parents. Caroline is nearly twenty one and she's had her own life for a few years now.
Also, lately, Caroline has just been a black fucking cloud. Her ADD has been getting worse. At least, that's how it appears to me. She leaves everything scattered and is constantly losing her belongings. She is chaos.
It wouldn't be so bad if she wasn't so angry and closed-off all the time, but she is.
I hate thinking about that, though. I don't want my idol to be soiled!!! It's not fair to think of her as a perfect person, which I don't, but she was always my role model.
She taught me to think for myself and to be a considerate person. Plus, when she is happy, she is stunning. Depression and disorders destroy a person, though. You can see on her face how exhausted she always is.
And you can see on her face the scars from when it got to be too much.
She tells most people it's from a car accident. That's sort of true. It was an accident.
As far as I know, it was an accident and I wouldn't begin to think otherwise. Even my mother has said before that Caroline is stronger than me and I feel like she'd hold on a long time before trying to kill herself.
It was the medication and the alcohol. I don't feel sad and scared thinking about last October. I feel separate from it. I remember my dad sitting by my bed at five in the morning. He was real quiet, and then he told me Caroline was in the hospital and we had to leave because it was an hour ride.
The hospital was terribly ugly and uncomfortable. I hate hospitals with my entire being. The doctors were so uncaring and we were so confused. I'm trying not to develop hate for the medical system or whatever, but I feel a lot of resentment towards them for how many mistakes they've made when it comes to my sister and I.
Okay, I'm done talking about this. This requires talking about people being emotional and I'm sure I've gone over it before, like, maybe last October when it actually happened.
Feelings are so tiresome. Anyway! I'm gonna milk this lack of anxiety and finish cleaning my room.
PS: I had a dream I got really drunk;
"To�dream that you are drunk suggests that you are acting careless and insensible. You are losing control of your life and losing a grip on reality. Perhaps you are trying to escape from a waking situation."
WHY ARE THESE DREAM THINGS SO ACCURATE???
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