Am I or the Others Crazy?
"The Balcony Scene" by Pierce The Veil
Don't react when I tell you
That bright lights mean nothing to you
Because no one would know
The sound of a ghost
And I might be something to you
[The quiz I took is this: http://helloquizzy.okcupid.com/tests/how-emotionally-detached-are-you]
September 26, 2014 Friday 6:43 PM
Fuck you. Fuck this, fuck that, fuck me, fuck it fucking all because FUCK. I'm not mad. I'm not frustrated. I'm not sad. I'm not happy. I am feeling nothing. Everything bores me. I'm tired but not sleepy. I am incredibly uncomfortable with my lack of emotions and motivation, I am uncomfortable with my complete lack of everything.
I wonder how fucking long I will be strong before I break, because honestly, right now, it seems like a horrible eternity is laid out before me.
SO I TOOK A TEST. I have been getting that emotionally detached (although I tend to call it "satirical narrator" because that is what it reminds me of: the narrator who doesn't give a fuck.)
Anyway, I looked that up on the interwebs, ended up taking a quiz and BAM. I recieved "Dangerously Unstable," but that is utter crap. I'm not gonna go killing people or animals. Yes, I want to see a dead body but only because I'm kinda morbid and I wonder if I could work in a field dealing with cadavers.
NOT BECAUSE I'D LIKE TO KILL ONE. Jesus, I can't stand negative people who want to kill everyone (there are exceptions, but whatever), so how would I be able to think that myself?
Here's what the paragraph said:
"You're a ticking time bomb. You're not quite a full blown sociopath who eats kittens for breakfast. But you're getting there. Unlike the sociopath though you can actually get medical help for your mental problems. You should get on that... Like right now.
You're most likely depressed. You don't outright hate the world, but you really hate yourself. You do share a lot of other traits with your typical psychopath though. You just wish things would magically change for the better...They probably won't though so you should get on with "removing" yourself from the world."
Okay, this is a disturbingly accurate description. I swear to god, I will never be a sociopath. Yes, I lack guilt for some stuff, but those are tame things and I feel incredibly guilty for a shitload of other things. Sociopaths are people who lack a conscience. I can't even imagine what that'd be like.
Yes, I'm depressed. That's pretty obvious. No, I don't hate the world but I guess I hate myself. Which doesn't make sense because one of the questions said, "Do you think you're better than everyone else?" and even though I don't like that I seem to think this, I had to answer honestly so I said yes.
HOW DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE? How can I feel better than everyone else and simultaneously think of myself as a lesser person? What the hell? What?!
AND OF COURSE I WISH THINGS WOULD MAGICALLY CHANGE!!! Three fucking years is a long time in my short life and it's only getting longer. I don't even know where to begin trying to change all this, and it is starting to feel like there is only a slim chance of feeling better.
It's feeling like no matter what, this feeling will stay, and if it leaves for awhile, it'll come back.
Whatever, whatever, whatever, I. Don't. Care. I don't care, I'm annoyed at myself but I can't seem to run away.
I do kinda hate Laney, though. I wonder if I should talk to her about how she's a bitch, although maybe in a nicer way. She gets mad at people for making dumb jokes.
What the FUCK? Why the fuck??? Let people enjoy their cheesiness, don't put them the fuck down for having their own sense of humor, especially if it's not offensive!!!
Fucking hell, I just wish she'd be a decent person who considers others but instead, she's angry at the world, constantly sarcastic, an asshole when you ask questions, and a bitch when you make jokes.
So I decided to tell her a bunch of terrible jokes. Either she'll get legitimately mad at me or she'll maybe, possibly stop being so pissy when other people are just trying to be happy or make conversation. I'll be okay either way.
I just feel like she needs a lesson.
God, people are ignorant and angry. Look, I am depressed and anxious and all-in-all, I did not hit the genetic jackpot. Even so, I believe that people are overall good (unless they're legitimate psychopaths. In that case, they don't know what being good or evil even IS).
I don't hate on people for having a weird smile or something but some of my friends DO. Like, Sam. She hates everyone.
I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't know how you can blame other people and just go through life unaware of how pessimistic you are.
I feel demoralized. Do I have to learn to deal with people outright hating other people for no good reason? Do I have to learn to deal with Laney and her phobia of humor?
Why aren't people just NICE and understanding and interesting? That IS possible. Lily is that way, I have met people on this diary site that way, and it's not that hard. It's not that fucking hard to be a nice person while being honest AND fascinating.
At the same time, I can't be all, " BE NICE, EVERYONE," because then, I'm as cheesy as Brock. My jokes are cheesy, but I am not.
These are teenagers and they are already heartless.
I am not the one being insulted by my friends, but whenever they say hateful things about other people, it's a punch in the gut. It reminds me this place is cold and empathy is rare.
There is a flatline in my head. I don't think I'm dead, but I don't feel very alive.
I think I may have decayed before I ever left the vine.
"The question that often drives me hazy - am I or the others crazy?"
- Albert Einstein