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2014-09-25 12:16:52 (UTC)

Mind Reading

"Giving Up The Gun" by Vampire Weekend [I know this is not punk, but lately I've been moving out of my folk phase and back into punk-ish music. BUT ANYWAY, I love Vampire Weekend. I think the lyrics they write are really quite deep and can be interpreted on different layers.]

And now my body fades behind a brass charade and I'm obsolete
But if the chance remains to see those better days, I'd cut the cannons down
My ears are blown to bits from all the rifle hits, but still I crave that sound

Your sword's grown old and rusty, burnt beneath the rising sun
It's locked up like a trophy, forgetting all the things it's done
And though it's been a long time, you're right back where you started from
I see it in your eyes that now you're giving up the gun

September 25, 2014 Thursday 12:28 PM

I like treating myself in the morning. I have no school today (It's Rosh Hashana. I'm not Jewish but I'm still glad the school district is giving up a break) so I went to bed late, listening to Welcome To Nightvale. I can't express how much I love that podcast. It's so fucking weird. The podcast I listened to last night was about a subway system that showed up overnight. Haha, I like how the weirdest shit happens and they act like this is how the rest of the world must be.

But anyway, I woke up today and made myself french toast and an egg and some sausage and ice coffee. I REALLY LIKE MAKING BIG BREAKFASTS FOR MYSELF. I don't know, it gives me hope for the day.

Tomorrow, I have school again, but whatever.

I'm sad, though. Well, not at this moment. Right now, I'm just reallllyyy emotionally numb.

Don't worry, though! The constant self-hate and speedy thinking will return, soon!!! It'll be lovely! I'll get needy and lonely and I'll feel ugly!!!

Despite all that, I'm proud of myself for not giving up. It feels good that I've separated my feelings from what is important in my life. It feels good to know that I can survive and do well with these nasty monsters in my head. I know that I've always had more anxiety than depression, so I've been tackling the worrying part of me.

I'm having trouble with this mind-reading thing I have. I swear I'm not crazy, but a part of me thinks I can read minds and other people can hear my thoughts.

Like, I think I know exactly how people feel about me, which is why I get really surprised when someone says something nice to me. I don't expect to be wrong. OH GOD, I'M INSANE. It's worse to feel like someone is reading my thoughts, though. I think inappropriate things in school sometimes and I feel like people are poking around my head, feeling shocked that I'm thinking such things.

I realize that on the outside, I have a normal expression on my face but inside, my thoughts are going crazy. OKAY, SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH MY THOUGHT PROCESS. I looked it up and I think it's something like social anxiety.

I never thought of myself having social anxiety. Well, not the disorder at least. I have GAD and that seems to fit better because I worry about EVERYTHING EVER. Yes, I get super nervous around people, but I think that goes with GAD.

I dunno. Time for quotes, because lately, my own words just haven't been enough.


"I went to bed and woke in the middle of the night thinking I heard someone cry, thinking I myself was weeping, and I felt my face and it was dry.
Then I looked at the window and thought: Why, yes, it’s just the rain, the rain, always the rain, and turned over, sadder still, and fumbled about for my dripping sleep and tried to slip it back on."
- Ray Bradbury

"I was fifteen, thinking about unzipping my veins."
-Neil Hilborn

"I’m sick to death of being the heavy in everybody’s life."

"May all your wounds be mortal."
-I don't know, but I love it

"A comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there."
-not sure, but lovely

"People don’t talk to me.They talk to my shadow,my body.They don’t talk to my soul.They never did."

"She had a strange feeling in the pit of her stomach, like when you’re swimming and you want to put your feet down on something solid, but the water’s deeper than you think and there’s nothing there."
- Julia Gregson

Okay, done with quotes. God, they're all so beautiful. It makes me wonder, sometimes, if I should be a writer, because that's one of the things I love to do. Then I remember that I have nothing new and beautiful to offer the world, and so that'd be an impossible task.