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2014-09-24 18:32:09 (UTC)

Take Note

"Dancepack" by Volcano Choir

You got one kind of trouble, it's the one that's on your back
Take note, there's still a hole in your heart

September 24, 2014 Wednesday 6:35 PM

I wonder if J knows how adorable he is? He probably doesn't. That sucks. If I were cute, I'd want to know. How does he not know, though? His human color scheme is really nice. Like, I mean his skin color and hair color compliment his eyes and stuff. Eh, still, most teens are really insecure.

I heard that if you saw yourself in real life, you wouldn't be recognizable. I HOPE THAT MEANS I'M PRETTIER THAN I THINK, BECAUSE I FEEL REALLY SHITTY ABOUT MY LOOKS.

Today, I went to the gym with Lily. Walking home, we both realized that we are pretty much each other's only friends. I mean, we have Laney, but we decided she must be stressed out or something because she has gotten more mean in the past few months. The other day, she told me she was glad we didn't share more classes because otherwise she'd punch me in the face. In Laney's defense, I told a really bad joke (What kind of search engine does the city of Binghamton use? BING. HAHAH. HA.) and she was in an awful mood.

Aaron is pretty much only our acquaintance, now. She doesn't take up our offers to hang out and we barely talk. When we do, it's fucking awkward.

WE ARE SO LONELY. It's okay, though. I think Lily's my best friend. We agree on so much and have so much in common and all in all, she's kinda always been there. When we grew apart, our somewhat lost friendship kind of destroyed me. I remember when I was alone, I'd get lonely because I had no legitimate friends I could share everything with.

Of course, that's partly my fault. Thanks, "vulnerability issues".

Still, I trust Lily to most. FEELINGS SUCK, NOW I FEEL CHEESY.

So these past few days have been better than normal. I've been busy and active, but that is all a distraction.

( HENCE, "Take note, there's still a hole in your heart")

I can feel it inside me and suddenly, all these distractions aren't enough.

Okay, I'm going now. If I don't leave now, I'm afraid the depression will consume me. I am afraid I won't get to enjoy doing the things I love.

I am cold and afraid.

Oh! And alone. Very alone. Blankets are reminders of how cold I am, Jesus. Alright, goodbye. I'm digging my own grave with these fucking words.