LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2014-09-16 07:10:48 (UTC)

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"For Reasons Unknown" by The Killers

Well, my heart - it don't beat, it don't beat the way it used to
And my eyes - they don't see you no more
And my lips - they don't kiss, they don't kiss the way they used to
And my eyes don't recognize you no more

September 16, 2014 Tuesday 7:24 AM


I may stop writing for a short while. I feel very pathetic. It's getting worse. I've been automatically detaching myself from the depression, but it's still there and I made the mistake of trying to open up last night.

Well, it wasn't really a mistake. But it did kinda force me to feel what I'm feeling and now I can't stop.

I don't want to get up anymore.

Pat said my "satirical narrator" state was adaptive and I said I had no choice. I can't afford to slow down.

Oh, I did something bad but I'm too tired to pretend I'm guilty or something. So I found Lily's diary. I read something about me and she said I have plenty of other friends. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? No. No, no, no.

No, I have Lily, I have Laney (somewhat), and I don't even think Aaron counts as a friend anymore. It's been so long since we've hung out or had a real conversation.

No. No, Lily, no. She thinks she's replaceable? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? That makes me a little angry but mostly I just want to laugh in her face because no.

No, she's not replaceable.

But of course, she wouldn't realize that. That's just the way things work. To be honest, if I'm not replaceable, then I have yet to realize. I'm no different.

I keep thinking about either leaving, or going to the hospital, or killing myself (i'M SORRY. iT wasn't serious, it wasn't).

Yes, what a wonderful mix of thoughts. Can you see why i feel so pathetic and stupid? Yep, so I'm getting to that point where I feel bothersome to the world around me. I've felt like this for awhile but, hey, I stuck with it as long as I could.

I'm sorry. For what? For everything. Why? Because I'm fucking depressed and all I feel is guilt and sadness. That was meant to be funny, so laugh. LAUGH NOW.

Alright, well. I'll leave now because coffee and food are waiting for me. Those things are nice. What's NOT nice is school because people are there and I am dying.

Ahhh, I'm sorry.


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