Monday September 15, 2014 7:54 PM
Ugh. I know I've had a crush for the last week or so, but damn, they suck. The dude I'm crushing on (ew emotions ew ew) looks and acts like fucking Eric Forman from That 70's Show. I LOVE THAT SHOW SO MUCH. He's so sarcastic, haha. Bam. Got past the crush subject (god I hate feelings). Not gonna mention it again for awhile.
I went to Pat today. That was intense. You know I haven't stopped jiggling my foot for quite awhile? I can't stop. I'm so agitated all the time.
The session started out all happy, although I was straightforward about how depressed I felt.
I started talking about my people relationships and how the social-ness made me feel the most inadequate.
It was very emotional. I accidentally cried which annoyed me. I fought it for awhile, but lost. I do this thing when I'm overwhelmed where I either rip paper into bits or fold it into triangles.
Pat seemed to be struggling with me. I was resistant. At first, she wanted me to try and make friends. She could tell that I was falling apart, though, so she told me to instead just... say hi? Smile and stuff. Mostly, she told me not to ruminate.
I think too much about future friendship responsibilities.
She also brought up "vulnerability" again. UGHHH. I HATE THAT SHIT. I hate that fucking leap of faith!!! Like, no. I can't do that, I just can't.
My assignment until our next appointment is that I have to relax. No seriously, that's my assignment. She said my constant thinking is making me exhausted. She's right. I am so tired.
I can't explain the level of tired and alone I feel. I am completely, utterly worn out.
It's funny because Pat said I don't show it. When I talk to others, I am appear energetic and full of life but I feel like I'm dying.
THAT SUCKS SO MUCH. I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THAT WAY. I'M MAD.
It's really hard, though, because I have a lot of issues that I didn't even realize existed inside of me. How do people like me?
Really, how do they like me? They don't even know me because I can't bring myself to show them my awful side. I wonder if I'm boring.
I'm so sad.
I feel really defeated.
Whatever. Maybe tomorrow, I'll feel better.