Vanilla

The Dr.

The Dr...he will make some women the happiest some day...he actually deserves the best...

Except Dr...man...he makes me smile...but ive come to the realization..he doesnt like me as much because if he did...he wouldnt have cancelled today...or more so...im faling for him quicker than he is falling for me...and do you know why...because he is so kind...Ive never been treated so kindly before...hes probably like this in general to every girl and even a guy..and silly me is drawing pictures in my head. I have to snap out of it...because I cant have him...hes too good for me. He is too kind, too gentle, too caring...he has a kind heart and a calm temperment. But I feel like it is quickly becoming one sided. He doesnt like me. You cant fix crazy. Funny right...the minute any one gets to know me they dont like me....The Dr is marriage material. Who I would want if I was fucking normal..which I am not so...its not going to happen...but I wish it would. He is that guy that would be my dream guy...personality wise because he is the guy version of me...the happy version of me..I would have turned out like him...if the world didnt get to me first. Its crazy how attracted I feel to him...I started of liking his personality as a friend...as in every time we spoke we couldnt stop talking...we were...we are just so similar...so so similar in so many ways. Execept he is smarter, kinder, more caring and more blissful than I. j

Whats more crazy...Ive counted it....its only been 2 weeks that I have known him. And I have seen him 4 times. All 4 times have been a joy...

But again...it wont happen.

I loved the way he told me I am pretty...I like the way he looks at me...like I am so attractive....when I am near him..he makes me feel...pretty, he makes me feel alomst human...he makes me feel like I am almost deserving of kindness...almost deserve to be loved or cared for...even though he isnt in love with me in 2 weeks haha! but he does make me feel like i deserve it...and If he cant..then surely I dont.

Dan has told me I am attractive too...he told me his mother passed away from cancer last year...it made me feel sad...I felt bad that he was opening up to me...because he said something along the lines of " If my mother was here I would tell her I met this wonderful girl...." and I stopped him there..i told him he is catching emotions...and just not to say it...not to say anything further...Dan is sweet...but I dont feel that way about him. I like him as a person...but he isnt the Dr....the Dr has less money, spends less money on me than Dan, but I click with him..I want to be consumed by him...in his company....simply because of one thing....I feel so safe.

I have never felt as safe as I have felt with Dr.

Oh and he told me I am smart...i have never really been appreciated for that....M used to always tell me I am so stupid...I felt stupid for the longest time....but the Dr...he said it so casually...not even to compliment me...he just said it like it wash truth...as part of the conversation. Thats the thing...he says things like it isn't planned or manipulative..he says it so naturally..

But hey I am a THIS. THIS dont get love. He's probably realizing I dont deserve shit the way I know I dont. I think today...or last night was that day...when he realized..or he just took me out because he felt guilty for me staying over...because he is just that nice. Guess its all over now.

You know its crazy...I realized I cannot even tell him...all this...my past...so when I last saw him I started blocking up and he noticed...he saw me put up all these layers and its like I just zoned out....tuned out of myself. Because I cant be with him right. so whats the point? How can I tell him all this..he would run for the hills...if he knew. And the thing is this is too big a lie...I cant tell him or any guy for that matter...and its not something you can hide forever. How do I hide what defines me and that again is my fucked up family and my past. Besides...he deserved normal....I cant help imagine if I was born under different circumstance...under a different spectrum...I would be with him...I wouldnt scare him away with my fukedupness..he is a gem..any women who didnt see that was just crazy. Because I have seen enough trash in my lifetime.

Time for a new distraction...I will not message him again...it is what it is...time to let go. Bye bye future husband haha....maybe if there is another life then I will indeed meet you again in another lifetime and maybe this time round I will have been normal..and I will have more respect for myself..or even more care and maybe just maybe I will deserve you and be with you...because truth is...its not often you come across kind hearted people....not for me anyway...I dont think I have ever written about someone's kindness towards me in my diary...well Dr is exactly that but he may be gone..