LustingforNightmares

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2014-09-13 20:49:56 (UTC)

General Anxiety Disorder

8:49 PM

Alcohol tastes weird. Normally, I think wine tastes really good. I love it. But since that fiasco over the summer, anything alcoholic tastes like mornings full of regret, hahah. It also reminds me a little of puking all over myself and my room. Unpleasant-ness.

So we just hosted a dinner. I'm eating some left over pumpkin tortilla soup that my mom made. IT'S SO GOOD.

One thing I have a lot of anxiety over is my house. So it's kinda tall, at least compared to houses down south. I remember going to Florida and all their houses were like one story. That's probably just in that state, though.

My house is really eclectic, though. Also, it might smell bad. We have all kinds of spanish art on the wall and some hispanic type pots, too. Our walls are bright, warm colors and we have flowers and stuff, so that's nice. The furniture is patterned and a little beat up. We don't match. Like our counters are pink (which I hate) while our floors are some kind of polished brown brick???

Our house is just so crowded and messy. The desk this computer is on is old fashioned, but it's covered in nail polish from when my sister used to own it and some of the handles have fallen off. That's basically a statement about all our stuff. It's very obviously used.

On one hand, I love my house because it's so open and warm and comfortable. On the other, I'm aware that other people might not feel the same.

I HAD OTHER STUFF TO DISCUSS BUT I FORGOT.

I'll remember eventually.

It smells like fall outside. Do you know how much I love that? I get to wear layers again. THAT'S MY FAVORITE THING TO DO. I have a distinct memory from elementary school. I remember wearing a long skirt. My dad built us a swing set when we were little. We had an old plastic one, but it was very rickety. The wood one he made us was much more durable. It was one of my favorite things to do.

I remember swinging high enough to grab leaves off the willow tree next to the swing set (we have a LOT of trees where I live) and sometimes being able to reach maple leaves from the tree growing a few feet in front of the set.

It smelled really crisp and it was a little cold and WOW THAT WAS MY FAVORITE THING EVER. I can never decide on my favorite season because I love when the seasons change. I love experiencing the memories from other times that season came around.

I also noticed that today, the little things I do that make me happy made me happier than they do most days.

Eating big breakfasts, for example. Also, washing my face. I washed my face today and it made me so ecstatic. I couldn't get bored with anything I was doing. It was lovely.

I really wish I felt this way every day. Everything is interesting and colors are brighter.

THIS IS WHY I GET CONFUSED, THOUGH. I'm sure I don't have bipolar disorder, but I get different things from different people. There are at least two people that say it appears that I DO have bipolar, but then there are two people that say that it doesn't appear that way.

Okay, one of those non-believers actually says that anxiety can look a lot like the disorder. I agree. The less anxiety I have plaguing my every (fucking) thought, the more weightless I feel. But not so light as to float away. That is anxiety, too.

I mean, I just feel like I can see so much more. I am much more social and outgoing and I talk rapidly, trying to let out everything.

But then, sometimes, I get in moods where my thoughts go really fast and I'm easily angered. Again, I think it's because my anxiety shoots through the roof but you can see how it looks a lot like manic depression (I don't use that term a lot, but it sounds more beautiful, doesn't it?), right?

The irritability and racing thoughts fits with bipolar (and I'd be more likely to have type 2, I think) and General Anxiety Disorder, only one of which I am positive of having.

Okay. I just did a little research and I have more proof; I don't have bipolar disorder. I wish the diagnosis would disappear, but I won't stress over it.

Again, I can see where the psychiatrist made the mistake but it still pisses me the fuck off because the doctors won't listen to me when I try asking them to change this shit!!! Since I was diagnosed NOS, technically my diagnosis shouldn't mean anything, now, because it's a temporary thing to put on my papers. IT'S BEEN WAY TOO LONG AND NO ONE WILL DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

Alright. I still feel wonderful. I'm going to watch Pulp Fiction because it seems good!!!

I really do not feel interesting, but I'm happy. That's good enough for me. I hope school and anxiety cooperate with me instead of trying to kill me.


PS: I got a new sketchbook! I lost my old one, which sucks because all my drawings were there. I'm very excited to draw again! I feel like I have more to say but no thoughts will come forward :(

Is it weird I feel like I'm not as intelligent when I'm happy?


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