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"We all move uneasily within our restraints." -An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison
September 12, 2014 Friday 2:47 PM
I have a list of subjects! I decided I need to think less about depression, which includes writing about other stuff.
Over the summer, while I was in Yosemite, I started a list of subjects and thoughts that interested me (can you tell that I have a weird obsession with lists?).
Here are four subjects I wrote while on the train:
26. Everything is meaningless. You know how people say soul mates exist and love is supposed to be hard? No, none of that is true. It's all meaningless. Things are the way they are because that's how they happened. The only reason for things is causes caused by other causes going back forever. They just happen. But in order to stay alive, some of us need meaning. So they make it. It's all lies. Because when you add true and false logic, all you get is false. It's either true or not true at all.
27. Cute guy next to me on train.
17. I sometimes feel like my eyes have filters.
15. My vivid dream with a train, a mystery, multiple drugs, depressed hispanic guy, etc.
OKAY. So twenty seven. Even though I know I wrote it, I still have a hard time recapturing the moment of clarity I must've had when the thought struck me.
Isn't it funny how you can realize a thousand things in a single instant but it takes so much longer to put these thoughts into words? I think that's strange and we'd all work a lot faster if we could transfer a mixture of words, pictures, and feelings. THAT'D BE SO COOL, SHIT.
Anyway, what I was trying to say was... That people find patterns in the stupidest (IT'S A REAL WORD, I didn't realize!!!) things.
Like, oh, a random meeting with someone you otherwise only had an infinitely slim chance of running into?
Okay, yes, that's AMAZING. But why try to ruin the awesomeness with all these theories??? I firmly believe that when things happen, that is all. There was no plan. No one was carefully making conditions perfect for that one moment.
Why would that even make sense? Why would some strange force cater to your life? What makes you think all these causes of effects led up to YOUR moment? What if you're just another cog in the machine and that moment leads to an even bigger moment??
It's way too complicated to be planned. Do you get my thinking? I think all these special things that happen are lifeless. They are part of life, but they are not some act of god type thing.
This is so hard to describe. It's not even an original thought, I'm sure thousands of people believe the same thing. Life just happens. It just does. Storms aren't there to ruin your day and you didn't trip over a crack in the sidewalk JUST so you could meet your future husband as he's helping you up.
It just so happened that he was raised to be a nice person, or maybe it just so happens that you even look pretty when you do something clumsy. So suck on that, fate.
Okay! Cute guy on train. Not much to say about him. I saw him sleeping, which made me feel creepy, but I had no choice, so.... He looked cute sleeping. That's creepy. It's also a fact.
He complimented my drawing and how realistic is was! Also, HE DREW THESE REALLY CUTE CARTOONISH TYPE STUFF. They were so neat and I am still a bit jealous. I used to wish I could draw so perfectly. Deliberately. I like my style, though, so it's all good.
This subject thing is actually making me feel better.
I'm gonna hurry up on 17 because there is SOUP AND A SANDWICH WAITING FOR ME IN THE KITCHEN. TOMATO SOUP AND GRILLED CHEESE :D COMFORT FOOD. That, hopefully, will help heal my poor body.
Yeah, so, when I'm happy, I think the world is more golden then it really is. Like everything is drenched in honey or something, does that make sense? The light is always bright, but not too much. Colors are really vivid and wonderful.
When I'm sad, things are gray and tinted blue. Everything is too intense. The daytime sky hurts my eyes, but the shadows are way too inky. It just... It's like I'm seeing my depression everywhere I go.
15: BASICALLY, MY DAD AND I WENT TO DEPRESSED HISPANIC GUY'S HOUSE. WE SMOKED WEED AND I GUESS SNORTED COCAINE??? THERE WAS A PIE. THEN WE ALL GOT ON A TRAIN ADN SOMEONE STOLE SOMETHING AND WE GOT STUCK AND ALL THERE WAS OUTSIDE WAS BLACKNESS. NO GROUND, NOTHING. JUST EMPTY SPACE. GOD, SPACE IS SO SCARY.
IT WAS WEIRD AND IT FREAKED ME OUT.
Good day! Sorry for bad writing.