Vanilla

No title

I felt like I was a prisoner in my own home. I felt like I would just drown in the pain. As if this was it. This is what life is and that there is nothing more. Him dying was the best thing that could ever happen...because I would have never escaped the abuse and I dont think I would be alive today....truth is you can never escape the depression...it is always there. I remember cutting my self at age 12 continously because it made me feel better...because I didnt know how to feel...i didnt know how to let it out....I also did it for attention...mother didnt have the time to care...she knew I was doing it and she saw it...she said nothing..she looked at it...and walked away...because she didnt have the time or heart to share. Shes a better mother now though...

..I remember when one time he was strangling her and she was crying and she couldnt breath and I could see that she was losing consiousness...I ran to him screaming for him to let go...because he was killing her...i was sure he would have killed her...he didnt realize he was too drunk and strong to realize that he was killing her...I kept biting his hand really hard...i didnt want to...I had to hurt him...enough for him to let go...I ripped his skin with my teeth..he let go..she fell to the floor..and his anger directed to me..i cant remember what he did to me...because I was just so relieved he let go of her...most of my life is a blur..

I remember when he started smoking...i directly got asthma from that...I remember when he smoked in front of me as a form of punishment as he watched me choke while he smoked...as he watched me have a panick attack...as he carried on blowing smoke in my face while I dropped to the floor not able to breath and I didnt have a pump..

I remember when Anu Uncle came to our house to tell us that a man got burnt alive and there was police everywhere so the road was blocked off...that he couldnt see as the police wouldnt let anyone through and there was police lines everywhere...i remember getting a phone call from the police to tell us that it was him and he was in hospital...i remember the police picking us up to drop us to the hospital...i remember feeling numb...i remember feeling sick....i remember finally seeing him and I saw his intestines out...i remember him being drunk even then...as his whole stomach was just hanging out...I remember it a blur after that..

I remember when she called me..while I was with danny at the park and hoping that it was something to do with him because I knew i was in trouble...it was 9pm after school , I was 15 and still not home...I remember her sounding panicky on the phone...i remember thinking yes it is him thank god...then i remember her telling me hes dead. I remember time stopping...i remember nothing until I was 18 after that...because Life after that was a mixture of pain and numbness...i dont know why it hurt so much...when it was so quiet without him...but she cried all day and I just didnt understand what happened...i didnt understand how to feel...i didnt know what to do...I just wanted to run and run and run...it was the biggest, most life changing, depressing moment of my life...because nothing could hurt me or take my breath away as that incident did...it left me marked...bruised...and I dont even really know why. Because logically to the oustide...the abuser was finally dead...to me...he died with no explanation nothing...I had hope he would love me one day...that hope died with him. And that was that...I had parents...parents who never loved me or cared for me..and even though after he died she started caring more...she started paying attention to me...but I cant help but feel this anger..this hatred towards her till this day...I cant forgive him and I cant forgive her. Because everything that I do today I know it is because I so mentally messed up..by them both...

I remember feeling so much anger..Because I feel it even today sometimes...I think I could kill someone in that anger...it is a supressed anger. i remember wanting him to stfu...I remember wanting to get a knife and just stabbing him with it. I remember it going up to my head...and feeling like i am going to burst with anger....i dont think its a feeling that will ever go away because I used to feel it everyday...even as I type I remember it...that it is that anger where I feel no sympathy...I simply want to hurt...I simply want to kill,....and it feels satisfying to think i could hurt/kill a person in front of me just because I want to...I still do it...I burst out in anger...in so much anger that I become violent...