The Real Me
The picture of abuse
This song...I can never really watch it or look at it without getting a lump in my throat.
Because for anyone who has been in this situation...they know how similar it is to this. Watching your parents and pretending its not happening...finding a distraction...
Whenever someone walks into my life...who I think...who i KNOW can catch me for a short while when I fall...i think of him...I think of Father. Every single time...and it brings me down. But I keep thinking why do I do it?...its like a cycle...I want them to care I want them to know...I want them to shake me...to do something to erase everything. But You cant erase that shit. You cant erase the past, you cannot forget abuse....it fucks you up forever. They cannot make you escape it...and I cant let people in...it fucks me up. I cant actually be happily with someone. what ive realixed is that i dont know how to play "family" I dont know what a normal fsmily is...and I cant really imitate it because I havnt really seen it. I actually cannot be a parent, I cant be a mother and I cannot be a wife...because I wont make a good one...I dont know anything other than violence and abuse in relatonships. I dont mean to say this in a..."oh poor me...look at me way"...I genuinely dont know. No 1 taught me..I just know what I saw and I know its wrong...but I cant stop it...I know its wrong to hurt people you love...but I cannot control myself to not do it because it is so so natural to me.
Mother tells me to get over it because she has. I dont think thats fair...I dont think she understands. She tells me that she went through it too remember. But she wasnt a child....that wasnt her father. That was her husband...she could have ran...she could have had the strength, And then I know that the cycle of abuse is this...it makes you weak and vulnerable and you cant run because you cannot just walk away from abuse...I remember watching him burn.. remember seeing his intestines...the truth is that the past is a blur...sometimes it resurfaces...actually it never leaves me...it is always there...it is imprinted in my subconsious...i wake up thinking about him. Not a day goes by where I dont think of father atleast once in the day. And its of no specific memory...it isnt something I miss...its just there...like I am wired to just think of him atleast once everyday for the rest of my life till I take my last breath and I know even in the moment where I will die I will think of him. Because he is everything...I am me because of him. He defined me...I have this twisted hate for him...but also this disgusting sikening yearning to have just been loved and wanted by him.
After the whole contemplating the escort incident. Something in me snapped...snapped me to just stop and think. Stop choosing dikheads to date. I am dating two guysI have been dating them both for the past month and a bit...from a distance so I havnt really done anything with one of them (Dan) not even kissed. It kills time. One owns a estate agent and trades land etc (Dan)....the other is a doctor...liver/ bowel specialist (or something like that) and a scientist..he invented this alcohol measuring app thingy (ironic right). Both are 31 years old. Both are genuinely nice guys who have taken me to all the nice places in London. Which is a change from...what Ive been getting dragged to...they both like me...I dont know how I feel...
I went out with the Doctor 2 nights ago...and we ended up going to Skylon, then radio tower, then a casino and then a private members bar and then I ended up at his..and we just talked and talked and talked...and ofcourse drank. I ended up sleeping in his bed and he was cuddling me...except...I keep..doing this thing where I almost beleive that I should be treated like a whore. I started well making him horny...he ended up doing stuff...but it got cut short because I stopped him and started feeling a little emotional...I know...its been a while since Ive had a lump in my throat like that. He ended up hugging me the whole night. I got a cab back in the morning...he had to go to surrey for a conference. We have talked a little...he told me he likes me. I am afraid....when people say that...it scares me. I dont know what now...I may cut him out. Or he may he lying to me and just run away like everyone does in the end :) or he is just a cover...pretends to be a nice guy but will slowly turn into some abusive person....and you know why he would...because I am fuked up I would bring out the worst in him...like I bring out the worst in most people. I have been told that twice. Once by Jay and once by M. That I bring out the worst in them. And would be so ironic...that infact all this time...they were not the problem. I was.
...The Dr told me about his father...his father sounded amazing..an inspiration...and i think thats what drew me to him..his father. That sounds nuts right...but it was just so nice to hear..what fathers could be like..what they do normally, how they can care about you, how you can be inspired by them, how they can care and support you and how they wouldnt hurt you intentionally...they wouldnt make you suffer...they wouldnt make you see things..they wouldnt put you in danger, they wouldnt try to kill your mother, they would care..they would wake up and just fuking care...he went to ask about what my family do...i cut it short because well I didnt want to tell him how useless they were. I told him my father is dead...obviously that cut the topic.
The Dr is the picture of stability..he is calm...stable...would hold you etc. That typical caring type of dr guy. Dan is...wealthy but nice...he has a ego which means he will treat a girl like a princes...would never let you pay etc but he makes a shrewed business man so he is not as stable as Dr.
...Then theres Simon...I like him as a friend..I went bowling with him not thinking much...well because cumon I talk about snot and shaving to him...and he goes and tells me he would like to get to know me more...I cut him short and told him straight away I dont see him like that but I do want to know him as a friend and hope he gives me that opportunity etc.