"When You Were Young (Abbey Road Version)" by The Killers
September 10, 2014 Wednesday 8:59 PM
I forgot how important structure is to me being mentally okay. Without it, there are no reasons for me to get up and outside. I don't know, though, because a lot of the time, during these especially scheduled months, I feel really tired.
Almost like I can't stand being restrained by all these concrete plans and obligations. I guess I don't feel free.
I really like waking up not tired, but also not late in the day. I like falling asleep without having to try and I like reading all day.
This stuff never happens when I have nothing to do, though. I go to bed late, I wake up in the afternoon, and for some reason, I don't pick up a book unless I have a few hours to kill and being lost in a fantasy world is my only choice.
Other than the struggles with people and exclusion from stuff, school is really nice. I like learning. The only issue I have is that they teach wayyy too slow. I am a fast learner and I struggle to not get bored. I know other people need the extra time but, jeez, I don't. I also really wish I didn't have to have a lunch period. I don't even eat at school. I eat before and after school.
Whatever, though. I guess being super uncomfortable every day with all the people around me is "good" for me. OKAY, I KNOW, IT IS GOOD BUT IT REALLY HURTS AND IT'S EMBARRASSING THAT IT'S SO HARD FOR ME TO DEAL WITH THE PUBLIC.
IT TAKES LIKE FIFTY YEARS OF MENTAL URGINGS BEFORE I GATHER THE COURAGE TO ASK A QUESTION. UGHHH.
I'm sick today, which makes me nervous. I have a very sore throat. It hurt sooo much, I couldn't even fucking swallow. So i didn't go to school and that makes me nervous; WHAT DID I MISS, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO, WILL THIS HAPPEN OFTEN???
I'm less sicky, but it's gonna hurt like hell in the mornin'.
Speaking of morning, I have to be at school by 7:45 AM instead of by 8:20. I have a Roy G Biv meeting.
I can't believe I'm still a captain. Like, yo, how does Bruce not think I'm totally inadequate????
By THE WAY, when I say "yo", I'm not trying to be cool or anything. I think I started saying it somewhat ironically??? I don't know what happened between then and now, but it's a regular part of my vocabulary and helps maximize my dorky-ness. As if I didn't have enough, hahaha.
STILL, HOW DOES HE NOT FIND ME INADEQUATE???
Okay! Good night. I was gonna get all deep and write about my realizations but I have a routine where I watch an episode of Criminal Minds before bed (which does not explain my lack of nightmares, lately) annnndd my self-imposed bedtime is 10 PM.
Goodnight, y'all (i also say "y'all" a lot. Why??? No one knows).