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2014-09-08 07:43:05 (UTC)

Positive Steps

"Stolen Dance" by Milky Chance [this song makes me really happy]

September 8. 2014 Monday 7:45 AM

Nothing like a morning game of holding back tears to get me excited for school! Better yet, I won! It didn't even look like I was about to cry!

This fucking sucks. I know I'm not the normal me. I have to deal with an extreme lack of confidence versus the usual lack of confidence.

I'm annoyed, now, because everything I see in the mirror is interpreted differently. I used to like my eyes and face shape and hair. Nope, not anymore. I used to like my hands because they could do art. No, not even that (i CANT FIND MY SKETCHBOOK THAT IS MY GATEWAY TO LIFE AND CREATIVITY WHAT DO I DO).

Everything I loved before, POOF, it's something new to hate. Oh! And I gained fifteen pounds over the past half a year right? That's not so bad except for it all collects in my LEGS, like whyyy. My legs are what I'm most self conscious about and so my fat decides to hang out there?? Why can't it just evenly distribute itself. Better yet! Find a home in my smallish boobs! They have plenty of room! Go on! Do it!

Today is going to be a good day. I don't fucking care that my brain is saying, "prepare yourself for the worst, woman," no. Just hell no. I'm going to fight back. This is beyond annoying. This depression is literally changing how I think about everything.

I forget to appreciate how comfortable it feels to fill my lungs with air. I forget how nice it feels to laugh with my friends and forgive them for anything they do (because I'm sure they do the same for me - I know I make a lot of mistakes. My whole life is mistakes. All my drawings are made up of fucking mistakes. And it's okay).

I think I might start writing before school daily because it has made me feel better.

Also, I made a decision. I have been hiding things, even from this diary. I am annoying. Also, I'm stubborn. I make bad decisions.

It doesn't seem like a surprise but I mean, I have the same annoying, jealous thoughts that I look down on in other people.

I got in a huge fight with my parents because I didn't want to go to a dinner with them. got in a lot of trouble because I wouldn't back the fuck down.

I don't know how to let people know when they've hurt my feelings. I either come on too strong or not at all, neither betrays how I actually feel. Most of the time I'm lazy, not because this is who I am, but because a majority of the time, I am really depressed and my body doesn't want to move.

There is just a mess of stuff I won't talk about and I'm done. If I can't even admit it to myself, I don't know how I'm supposed to open up to anyone else, so...

Yay for positive steps. Have a good day, everyone.