it all started in second grade.
ms. slugocki was explaining her usual story, and i wasn't paying attention. i may have been completely distracted. we were asked to take tests, and i had around 5 folders. I usually used two to cover my paper, but got bored, so I decided to make a folder castle instead. she told me to take it down so I reduced it back to size. during the quiz she had posted a question up on the board, and I didn't know what the word opinion meant. I leaned over to Daniel Vasquez's paper and copied word for word what he said, but ms. slugocki figured it out even though I tried to write it off as my own. then she asked me to rewrite it again.
a month later we were supposed to set up diagrams in shoe boxes for animals, and I had spent so much time working on mine that I fell in love with how awesome it was. ms. slugocki was so impressed that she had decided to make a competition for the best one. I was sure I was going to be nominated, but the two people who were nominated were Niko and Jasmine. I was so frustrated, so angry that when the jar came around to vote on which one was better, I ripped up 3 pieces of paper all with my name on it and threw it in there. when the decision came she read my name aloud and laughed at first, but then she read it it the second time. and then the third time. she was so upset that she put me in time-out in the corner, and I just never forgot. to this day, when I think about it, it still embarrasses me.
i remember in fourth grade with ms. Heiberger when I first came that year into class. I threw a pencil to someone in hopes that they could use it but the teacher had seen it and had mistaken it for me throwing objects across the room. she immediately gave me silent lunch, by letting me eat at the main office. I didn't mind eating there, and she said that she wouldn't let me eat with NY friends again until I told my parents what happened. so I didn't tell them. and eventually, she told them herself. I was so terrified because it was the week before my birthday and I was alone. i deserved the punishment.
later on, I was caught talking during the middle of class. it wasn't on purpose, but she stopped and looked dead at me and I was in the second row. I didn't want the students to know it was me, so I turned around to look at another student. she was so upset that she called my name and pointed me out. I still remember. I tried.
in 7th grade I had ms. teubert. she hated me. well, she was equally evil to everyone, but I'm positive she hated me. she said during Halloween that make up was feminine. and I mistook it for her calling my make up feminine and brought it up to the table in kitchen jokingly. my mom was so infuriated that ms. t had called me feminine that she wanted to beat her. it was not okay to my mom, even though I didn't care. they gave me messages to deliver but I was so afraid I ended up mixing them up and at parent-teacher conference they talked for a long time. I was so embarrassed. I wouldn't forget.
in 8th grade I had a best friend named Louis but nobody in our grade seemed to understand our friendship. he always defended me and we were brothers, and a lot of people in that school called me a faggot and bullied me, teasing me behind my back. the entire year I had tried so hard to be friends with everyone. but a lot of drama ensued the last week and I ended up losing him because of some stupid things I said. really, really stupid things. we were really close but on the last day of school he practically slammed the door on my face. him and his friends, my other close friend, Juan Q., was so angry with me that they didn't talk to me after that. later on, Louis forgave me and we ended up being friends again. but I didn't forget. I didn't forgive myself, and I never will.
After graduation I become close to someone else, and his name was Juan A. but he severed our friendship because he didn't want people thinking he was gay. I am still embarrassed. to this day, I still don't tell people that I'm gay off the bat because I don't want to lose a friend. it was embarrassing.
freshman year I had came out but I had a mild crush on this guy named greesham. he was in my art class. but instead of trying to bury the feeling I made it painfully obvious by saying I hated him. I was really creepy around him and added him on Feb and I wasn't even sure what to say. he ended up blocking me on Facebook and when he did I hated him for it. I hated him because I liked him and the act destroyed me. I couldn't cooperate with my own feelings that year knowing I practically had classes with him every week. I wrote about it in a surrealistic journal entry for an art project, but my art teacher took notice to it. she pulled me aside and asked me if everything was okay. I was so embarrassed. I didn't think she would read it. I started liking Phil. and I wish now that we were friends. I wish I wasn't so creepy.
on the first week of school, I met an English teacher named ms. Dana. she was so kind, but in the past I hated English. she went over all these rules, and me trying to act cool, broke them. of course I was expecting just a stern look, but she checked me 3 times in the sane day to a point where I came to her after class with tears in my eyes. just to say sorry. because I didn't hate her, I hated English, and I can tell she was upset. it was second grade all over again.
sophomore year, I had a mild crush on a dance captain that barely knew who I was. his name was Victor. I really liked him, and after Greesham I tried to be a lot less creepy. but it was a natural thing. I really tried. someone gave me a bracelet out of kindness I thought was beautiful, so I waited 2 hours to give it to victor after school. the worst part was I waited for those 2 hours right outside his wrestling practice. my phone died, I had no communication, had to not look at the men wrestling. the wrestling team knew me since that day, since of how extraordinarily creepy I managed to be. as I tried to give him the bracelet, he rushed down the stairs. I tied for him, but he never spoke to me again. i was so embarrassed.
later on, as I joined the dance group, he never paid attention to me. he would let all my mistakes slide, act like I didn't exist. I came to morning practice one day with a horrible mood, crying the night before, and he was fed up with me because I didn't want to do anything. he drilled me, correcting my hands, my position, my moves, every little single thing just to get on my nerves. like if the day wasn't shitty enough to begin with. I will never forget that. everyone on the dance team knew I had a crush on him. and they thought it was funny. everyone did. I seemed to be the only one who didn't think my feelings were a joke. it was...embarrassing.
on my birthday, I decided to send a message to phil. worst decision of my life. he didn't know who I was so I sent it through my friend Jose. he told Jose that he was scared as hell and for the rest of the year I couldn't. I couldn't forgive myself. we're friends now, but I still can't. I am embarrassed.
my friend from pascal's complained that Malcolm was a douche, and I openly stated that I would challenge him if he tried messing with my friends. as a result, a lot of lashback was given for the statement. I didn't mean to say I would challenge him. I just wanted to defend my friend. I regret it now because Malcolm is my friend. I just wanted to look tough. but I was really being weak. I was cocky. I am embarrassed.
I lost two friends, named James Amick and Faique Moqeet. this is partly because I couldn't grow up. I was over dramatic and dumb, and when they tried being my friend I blew it. I blew everything up, tore everything part with my ever present feelings for everything. they both told me they were incompatible with me, and they couldn't do it. since then, I've tried to be normal. I've tried to be mature. and when I feel a bout of feelings coming on, I bite my tongue now. I think of them, and I feel the blood rush to my face. I take a deep breath, and I try again. I should've kept then as my friends. I shouldn't have been so stupid. they believed I could be a good person. a mature individual. I fucked that up.
junior year, I succeeded. I battled to become friends with Ahmed, and I did it. I told Phil that I loved him, and he said he loved me too. we're not together but he'll always be in heart. he's straight anyway. but I look back on junior year, all the way back to second grade. and I know what I lost. I want to get it back, but I know I can't. I have to keep trying.