All that is
Here's the deal
Here's the deal.
I like the guy. A lot. Have I caught feelings? maybe. But it's early days so nothing that can't be undone.
He was loveable - talked to me everyday on email, text. never tried to make the convo filthy. Always light hearted, easy, slightly flirtatious convo - the kind that was enough to let you know he was thinking of you. Always initiated them too. Butterflies everytime his name appeared in my inbox. and because it was email (both personal email and work email for him), there was an element of the ordinary attached to our exchanges, that i took security in. Email is safe - no sexting ensues. Plus the fact that he used his work email address suggested a kind of trust, i felt. Now that might not have been the case, since he's not precious about work stuff.
It's our 8th date and he invited me over for dinner then sin city one saturday evening. An obvious ploy to get me into to bed in retrospect, but at the time just another date. He would cook a 'dope dinner then sin city 2' was how he put it. seemed safe - we'd eat at his then head off. good he knew i wanted to take it slow. The night came. He cooked, we ate. Then we had drinks. Sin ciity was starting at 11.20. around 10, i bring up this fact. he says 'it's cool we'll have drinks then head off. I choose to believe him, despite noticing the fact that he sort of avoids eye contact every time i bring it up. I choose to turn a blind eye to it - if we miss the movie and i have to spend the night at his, then it'll be his fault, not mine. so if we ended up having sex, i would be void of any responsibility, since i didn't come to his to have sex - my intention was to watch a movie. So as per his plan we miss the movie. now it's midnight. I'm definitely spending the night. so we head out to get some more drink (again in retrospect, to loosen my morals i'm sure) and decide to upload 'killer joe' and see that instead. Now it's going to be a long night too, since i have no plans of sleeping with him. of course we start kissing. it's electric. his body, the way he kisses, these low grunts he makes - he wants me. I want him too. he gives me some basketball shorts to change into. I take them. we make out - he's touching me now. hands in the shorts, rubbing me where it feels nice, i half-heartedly push his hands away. he trys again. this time i let him - i let him feel how wet he's made me. he feel it and he lets out a low guttural sound that satisfies and excites me to no end. I turn my body around so that i'm lying on my side in a foetal position and he's kneeling by my bum. i rub my bum into his crotch and he grabs me and groans. then i turn around once more so that i'm lying on my stomach, ass still in the air. he puts his hand inside my shorts again, and He tries to go deeper. I have a tampon in so i push his hand away. Then he asks slightly short of breath, 'you don't want me to play with you...?' I don't know why, but that question fires me up. it's a question subtly laced with pressure and a request for reassurance, he might be slightly hurt - he needs something from me. It's a cocktail of nuances that's enough to tip me over the edge and that's when i give in. I want to give it to him. I nip to the bathroom (it's the last day of my p so i take out the plug). Then i come back to his bed. I start on him again - he's lying there, cooling down thinking it's most likely a lost cause. then I whisper 'get on top me'. he does as i ask and begins to kiss me again. Now i don't hold back, i wrap my legs around his waist, pushing my pelvis into him. he returns the gesture. now we're grinding, and I'm in ecstasy. then he asks with intrigue 'some mad tremors there, you really get off on just grinding?' i sort of half nod as I'm so fired up. we continue until he says 'i wanna fuck you so bad' i nod, not really to say yes but just to acknowledge his comment. then before i know it, he's got off the bed and he's looking into a bathroom bag for a rubber. he finds one, takes it out (im so excited at this point). he puts it on and begins to fuck me.
It's 5am in the morning by the time we're done. He remains lovable, cuddling me. we fall asleep and wake up around 9am. we talk and cuddle he keeps his arms beneath my pillow, always seeming to want to have some kind of contact with me. if not our legs then our arms. we talk for a while. we end up talking about something which leads to me asking him what he prefers in bed etc. and then to him asking me 'what do you like?' with full eye contact. his question turns me on - the bareness of it. I tell him a few fantasies of mine, in a somewhat bashful way, which he teases me for. then as we talk about it some more, i get turned on as does he - and we begin to fuck again.
He's got a thing for being scratched, like hard scratching with finger nails on head. I happily obliged.
So the week before we shagged, we saw each other twice or three times if you count carnival on saturday. so saturday, then wednesday night at the barbican then saturday when he cooked. The week after we shagged i knew it would be the test. Some sunday as i left his house Id already began regretting letting it happen. I could feel that chemical shift already. not a great deal - not like ben or davy, cos he was still cuddly, but it was definitely there. i could smell it. that slight smugness, a confidence, the beginnings of a cavalier attitude.
Monday - I email him a cute pic of what i thought looked like inky his cat and me cuddling.
His response reeked of cavalier-ness. 'this is it' i thought. we emailed back and forth throughout the day. he sent me tracks, links etc. still though there was a 'distant-ness' that i sensed even over email. or maybe nothing had changed and it was just me projecting my post-coital insecurities onto the situation.
Tuesday - he emails me with a link to a restaurant site, saying something like 'when i was here in april i used this site and ate like a king damn near every night. check it out' i take this as a good sign at the time. he wants me to say 'let's go to this place' or else why would you email someone a link to a site with discount to restaurants. so i email back saying 'good find, deserves a head scratch' or some such line, and i tell him which restaurants i'm keen to try and why. then i say that another co-incidence occurred but i don't tell him what - i say that i'll narrate. then he mails back and doesn't touch on my head scratch comment (which i think is odd - someone who was interested would seize the chance to start a convo about our affections over the weeknd. but he shows no such sign, instead asks me what the co-incidence is... then towards the end of the day he emails me a link to some creative social thinyy he's going to. I;m not sure why - at first i think - does he want me to join? but i look at the ticket site and notice it's all sold out. so i say 'oh whaaat? this looks awesome. tickets sold out :/' then he emails back and says his friend is only going for half an hr, maybe he can forfeit his ticket and he'll ask and text me. i'm thinking great. but alas he texts me and says he wasn't able to transfer ticket - sorry'. i msg back saying thanks fr trying.
wednesday - no emails at all. but i spot miss dynamite outside my office at lunch time. so i text him and he texts back saying lol etc. I text back around 6ish saying 'catching sin city tomorrow eve. be my escort if you're free' and he msgs back saying 'i gave up escorting for strategy...' I say 'very funny...' I'm disappointed as I've invited him out and he doesnt give me a straight answer. it's either yes or no. if he wanted to come, he'd say yes or 'no, but how about this day? But there's none of that. So i don't beg it. i leave it. I sulk. i think i even cry at one point htat night. Then i think well, i'm gonna go see sin city anyway.
Thursday - i don't hear from him at all over email. and i don't try to get in touch with him either. ball's in his court as far as i'm concerned. so i wait. it's excruciating but i do it. I find it hard to breathe. I'm at work doing my job yet i'm on auto pilot. it's hard. Then i'm meeting nz from uni for food around 6ish - was going to cancel if he decided to do it (or if he didn't due to the inevitable breakdown in my mood). but i don't cancel. i go to eat with nz and during my dinner, i get a text saying 'I'm guessing my invite was rescinded but to clarify any other day i'm down...' he said he had to get an applicaiton for a music grant submitted by midnight. that made me feel a lot better. - he was giving me an explanation. so my silence worked, somewhat. so decide to go to sin city, despite originally planning on watching the move with him. i go go and enjoy it. i message him a photo of my meal from the restaurant. saying 'the place i keep tryna sell you' my dish is on fire, so it looks intriguing. so he msgs back and says 'no movie' wat's the blue stuff? then i say movie's starting in 5. don't hear from him until 11pm and he sends a random pic.
Friday - i comment on the pic the next morning. then i send him an email subject-titled 'breakfast in bed' with a 'short play' attached - transcript of our morning together last weeeknd. he emails back saying 'thought this was an inviitation to spend the night at your end..' slightly annoyed at the fact that he's made no reference to dinner or going out or cinema, just sex. then i take this as an obvious sign to ask him what his plans are this weekned. so i do - i ask about saturday. and i prepare for a possible 'no busy' response but feel certain that he'd ask suggest another date. sure enough he says 'going to a bday saturday evening' then a hotel.
Then he asks me what i'm doing tonight. and despite having no plans, i say i'm going to 'ladbroke grove for dinner' then he says he's going out with his house mates bars in shoreditech, and i shold 'come out for drinks'. i have no intention of doing so despite having no plans that night. firstly i don't like the tone with which he's 'invited' me out. too casual, not enough show of investment. secondly, it's too short notice. if he wanted spend time with me that niht hed have asked me earlier on. so i say i'll text him, but i don't round about 9pm i get a msg from him saying 'pst' i don' respond. around 1am i get what's app from him
Saturday - i type out a reply to a message he sent the night previous. but i don't send it. instead i go and shower and when i come back, i feel clear headed. i decide not to respond to a message whcih was sent in the wee hours of the morning. well, 1.15am. the message was 'a gift for your consideration' ( a photo of some hot chilli peppers - cos we dared each other to eat it once) I feel content now, in control. the ball is in my court. i'm ready to begin the day. but just as i go to delete the reply i'd typed out, accidentally send the bloody thing. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! Just says 'LOL thoughtfu' he sees it but doesn't respond. not like there's any thing to respond to.... i begin to freak out. and i'm back in this head space of anticipation. In a desperate bid for attention, i change my whatsapp photo to my sultry pic of me cuddling doodles on oliv's bed. I look good in that photo and i know it. I know it'll get his attention once he sees it. now all i have to do is wait. so i wait. i don't get anything done the entire day. around about 8pm, i get a what's app msg from him:
him: who's dog is this
me: my friend's. his name is doodles.
him: you look hella good in that photo
him: although the stripper pole behind you is concerning.
I don't look at the last two whatsapp msgs. because i'm busy, right? afterall he was the one who said he had a bday etc. so let him get on with that. so as far as he's concerned i havvn't see his msgs. I leave it be. i don't go on whatsapp the rest of the night. he must have been checking cos he texts me around midnight, saying 'shoreditch...' and i see the text and think 'so?' just as i open the text to read it a little more, he begins to call. my phone rings. i let it ring out. i'm slightly annoyed now. he had a bday party that's all well and good. if he wanted to see me then he should have said 'do you wanna come?' and not call me up at midnight and tag me onto the end of his night. i seriously thought about answering the call it was tempting. but what result would it reap? a. i couldn't go out, my skin was playing up. b. even if i said i was out, what if he said 'let me come and meet you...' c. the fact that i answered his call at midnight would just look as if he can call me at anytime and i'd be there answering. so i left it. Good decision i thought. and i slept like a baby too. throughout the whole week, i got the feeling that i was being 'maintained over email/text/whatsapp. i mean, for fuck sake he didn't ask me to do anything once. almost like after we fucked he thought 'game over', i needn't try anymore. He doesn't ask me to do anything over the weekend, but then he texts/calls on both nights with the intention of linking up, i'm guessing, since i didn't actually respond to this msgs. like if you wanted to see me, you'd have asked me prior. He said his buddy was moving to london on saturday and would be sleeping on his floor until the 15th of sept. i don't know whether that meant he wasn't going to be available or what. He's gotten in touch with me, but not to arrange any get togethers - just to touch base and make sure that i'm still there and interested should he need to see me (feels like).
Sunday - sunday is now. i'm writing this. haven't heard from him.
We're in the post-first time sex stage, where we're both doing this weird dance. who initiates what - who is more interested than who after the sex? has the sex changed anything?
The deal is i don't wanna be anyone's side-chick or friends with anything. i've seen the job description and it's not for me - yes i've done it before. i'm in a different head space now though. If he's not in it to win it, then I'm not sticking around to humour anyone. I can tell he's non-committal.
I'm also conscious of being sexualised. i know that i'm somewhat attractive (on a good day). i have a shapely figure (that i sometimes hate) but that i realise plenty of guys love. i know my figure is also easy to sexualise. so when a guy likes me, its my responsibility distill whether he likes me for me, or for my sex. I don't wear anything that's too showy, as i don't like being looked at in that way. and in mainstream media today, twerking is a trend that's made it's way from the 'ghetto' into popular culture - now the most conservative white boys are probably having conversations like 'oooh i'd like to try out her nicky minaj-like butt, bet she's a freak in bed' or 'ooh yea i fucked a black girl last night, she was sooo hot, but not really like what i expected'
2pm still havn't heard from him. do i holla at him first or not?
i need to decide on something and stick to it.