LustingforNightmares

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Ezoic
2014-09-07 00:06:22 (UTC)

Empty Skies

"Work Song" by Hozier [this is an absolutely beautiful song]

When my time comes around
Lay me gently in the cold dark earth
No grave can hold my body down
I'll crawl home to her

September 7, 2014 12:06 AM


How do I get all my thoughts out at once?

Being with Laney and Lily was nice, today. I laughed a lot more than I have in several weeks and for some reason I was really good at factoring (in math). I found this out while helping Lily figure out some problems we were both stuck on for Trigonometry, which we both take this year.

What sucks is, even though my head hurt and my lungs were empty from all my laughing, I felt like something was missing. It followed me. Fucking sadness followed me where I never want it to be. I may hate Laney, but I love her, too. That's irrelevant but I felt I had to say that.

I came home and felt a sudden, aching loneliness. It SUCKED. Like, fuck you, social needs. And fuck you, brain, for standing in the way of being social. Fuck your fears and ancient barriers. Fuck it. I'm only a sophomore in high school and I already feel like I can't deny being broken.

I took my dog for a walk when I came home. I looked at the sky and was surprised. It's the same observation I make every time I see the night sky: it's brighter than I expected.

It's definitely blue when I expect it to be black. Then, I realize the darkness I am expecting to see is all around me. How small minded I must be to think the the ground I look at is the sky.

And even though all these things are observations, my mind can only seem to understand things in art forms so all of these things become metaphors. I am the big, empty, plain sky. Or maybe it's my future. My feelings. I don't know.

I don't like to limit the meanings. When I say "I" I don't feel as if I'm always speaking about myself; I'm speaking about the habits of my mind and how I interpret things.

The dark shadows around me are... what are they? Who knows. Suddenly, trying so hard to understand things is wearing my body out.

Things were so lovely today. I had really great conversations with many people that I deeply love.

I'm still lonely.

I got an anonymous message on tumblr today! It was someone asking for advice about a guy she wants a relationship with.

It was nice to get a message, but why me? I'm not qualified for that shit. I have virtually no relationship experience.

Like, I've only been kissed by a guy once. I used to think it was the worst thing ever, but I have been thinking and now, I realize it was kinda cute. We were lying next to each other cuddling. The reason I hated it at first is because I didn't kiss back and possibly because I didn't feel that way about him.

Maybe also because I get a disgusting feeling when I get close to someone. It's like my mind trying to tell me I'm weak for attempting to let someone in.

Again, to my mind; fuck you very much.

I'm sad but things are so nice.

I could use a loving cuddle right now. I could use kisses on my neck and lips and cheek. A lot of hand holding and hugging and telling stories under blankets while it rains outside. Also, playing video games with someone I love would be super nice, oh my god.

I expect a lot for not doing shit, haha.

PS:

Why is being "down to Earth" such a compliment? Who wants to be in the shade? Who wants to only see the world directly in front of you? Why is it so bad to be high in the sky sometimes? Where you can see everything? You stay far away from getting hurt and falling in love but, god, the view is beautiful.

PPS:

It'd be lovely if I was someone's moon. I'll never love the sun like I love the moon. The moon is special to me. It's beautiful and lacking life, but it seems to glow and is so, so far away from everyone else. I'd love to be a moon in a world that never sees the sun. Daylight is nice and darkness isn't something I want forever but it's my favorite time, so let's pretend I'd never get tired of it. Let me be someone's moon.


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