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A Long Year
You know what sucks? Yesterday started out bad and the day ended up pretty okay. Today, the day started out beautiful and a little sad. The rest of it was utter shit.
It was so awkward and I felt like an ugly loser and wow, just wow.
I can't help hating Laney. It doesn't seem fair to feel that way but the more I think about it, the more I feel she's unnecessarily mean.
I went up to her this morning and tapped on her shoulder. She was talking to two other people about soccer and turned to me briefly, and then just didn't even say hello. Nope, nothing like that. No, she turned back like I wasn't even there and continued talking like I didn't exist. I would have at LEAST tried to make her feel less awkward, but noo.
She always talks about soccer and clothes. I'm not saying she isn't smart, but I am wondering if she has any depth.
Also, she's a smart ass. Any time I say something (whether I'm being sarcastic or not) she has to go and reply all sassy.
That's really motherFUCKING annoying. I also think it makes her seem less intelligent than she is. Most people should be able to tell when you're kidding. Instead, she's constantly trying to assert that SHE'S smarter.
I didn't mean to talk to her about this. I feel really guilty, but I've felt kinda resentful towards her for awhile. Then again, there were a couple months when Aaron really annoyed me but now she doesn't so I don't know. That might be because we don't talk much anymore.
I think my depression is worse than it was when I tried killing myself. Obviously, I'm not about to go try and end my life again, but I feel deeply guilty, alone, anxious, and overall terrible.
I feel like I've lost all my friends, at fault of my own. I don't know. It erodes my strength from the inside out.
I normally act happy and patient towards my family, but come night time, my fuse shortens. I am terribly difficult to deal with. Not only am I stupid in the worst ways, I get irrationally angry over dumb things and I don't get angry enough over serious things.
I am questioning how I even made friends in the first place. I must be the reason they fade from me, right? God, I'm one of those people, now?
By "one of those" I mean the eleven year old ones on facebook that say, "Why does everyone end up leaving me?" when they get in like one fight with one of their friends.
I don't often argue with my friends, though. I'm not entirely sure HOW to argue with them. I can't even argue with Lily and I've known her the longest. I don't know when i forgot how to do this. I think it was at that point when I became way too aware of my existence.
God, I'm crazy. I really wish I wasn't this way. What is the point of having a future if I don't have anyone to love?
This is a really bad night. I'm thinking about something, actually. I don't want to say it, it seems like a betrayal. It seems like shame and disappearing forever and leaving nothing behind. That just makes me more sad.
Never mind, though. It's just a fantasy.
Seriously, though, I feel like my body is trying to will myself to die. I can feel the acid in my stomach rising, like it's ready to burn right through.
Being alone is my fault and my choice, right? It doesn't really feel like I have any options, though. I really can't seem to change my behavior.
I can't shake the shame from my system. Whatever small amount of self esteem I had is gone. My hair is now the enemy because it means people see me when I really just need to be invisible.
Goodnight. The sadness might keep me awake. I hope not. There is nothing I want more than to disappear from the world I am in (the mental one).
It's a paradise turned sour. I miss being my own friend, though I guess that never lasted more than a few weeks.
I don't like the idea of being at war with myself like this forever. Suddenly, the idea of a life seems very long to me. I don't like what is happening. I can feel it with each shiver that racks my body. The will to live is abandoning me, floating through my skin, searching for a host that won't reject it like I did.
I am torn. I don't want to be suicidal. That is the worst feeling I've ever had. Why would I ever want to go back? But it seems it is already taking hold because part of me wants to stay there, in the darkness where I feel untouchable.
Where I feel protected within my bubble of sadness.
This is going to be a long year.