Ranmat

The Last Hours
2014-09-05 00:48:27 (UTC)

I think I need to seek out help for my depression

I have not been able to pull it together since coming back from Jersey.

I was on call that week. Jonah started school that Monday. He got sick the next week and I had no one to watch him so he had to come to work with me because my coworker went on two weeks vacation. My grandmothers pipes broke and flooded the ground floor so last week I cooked for 3 households when all I was trying to do was get through 30 pages of homework in 4 days with an ADHD child.

Well.... I paid for a concert at the Hollywood Bowl and the person that was going to come with me, bailed the day before due to poor planning. So who calls in the same 3 minutes? Darren. In my head I was telling myself, do not invite him only for my mouth to invite him. (Not sure what happened)... he said yes. And then I thought about it... how that was a bad decision. One there is still an attraction and I'm baptized. Two, I'm sure he would have brought marijuana and I didn't want to be tempted to smoke. So now I'm dreading the situation.

Well, it worked out (a blessing) that he didn't have assistance for his mom (he takes care of her).....and his car was recently impounded for driving on a suspended license. No one EVER said he was responsible. He wanted to come but I went alone. I got Jack and Coke and went solo.

I got drunk.
I enjoyed the concert.
Couldn't believe I drunk a 5th. Wasn't trying to.
There was hardly any people in the seats at the top. It was so discreet that I didn't have to leave to go to the bathroom. I lifted my dress and squatted. Air dried. I would NEVER tell anyone that. Men would have done it.

As I left, I started to feel so alone. Lonely. I miss companionship and I guess it was time for my quarterly break down. I was hungry... wanted to eat and ended up at BJ's and again on the bathroom floor.
Would I have cried like that if I didn't drink? I honestly don't know. Drinking brings out the truth of how you really feel? Right?

I am tired. I am often lonely. Depressed. Then I go back to thinking about Darren. I know it would not work between us. We are not evenly yoked. But I don't think I will ever love anyone as I have loved him. We have a burning. Passion. Lust. I don't need all of that but I don't have anyone. I feel I have no choice but to be patient. I guess I looked so bad that the restaurant gave me my food free. I thought that was heart warming. And then I felt even more pathetic.

When I woke up this morning, I had cried so much that my whole face was swollen. As if I had some type of allergic reaction. My mom didn't mention it surprisingly.

But today I am still crying. Still depressed.... and still lonely.
I just want to go to sleep. I really wish I could get to the bottom of it especially finding out the relation to my weight gain. Am I deserving of anything good?




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