Love, Me

2014-09-03 01:23:05 (UTC)

Deep stuff poem

i used to love the idea of growing up
and waking in the morning and making my coffee cup
and driving to high school
going to parties and dating and fist kisses and love
little did i know, those were things to let go of.
i went off to high school and saw what i expected,
there were cute quarterbacks that smiled and made you heart melt
having no experience under my light belt,
i walked into a whole new world and my old one was turned upside down.

it was only the first week of freshmen year and i was already labled.
i was that slut from public school...
i had never had a first kiss yet wasn't able to shake the fabricated label
that was made by kids who id never meet
yet you can bet that i never lost that label.

sophomore year and i was starting to make really close friends
id even started to have boys like me
the truth was that i didnt see how those boys didnt like me for me
they didnt like me for my personality.
they liked me for my label.
it didnt take long for that label plus the boys talking to me
to have rumors spread
these people seemed to know things i didnt know about myself
its like there was a shelf that they titled "things to make up about bailey"
there was a specific one made up that made me cry daily.
i couldnt shake the feeling of everyone looking at me saying "there is that girl"
did they hurt me? sure
did i tell everyone i was ok? well of course i did
i still cry to this day and just wish i could go back to being a kid

now im a junior and i have lost all of my friends
you can ask me why they left me and i still wont be able to answer that
was it because i didnt follow their trends?
or was it just because i wasnt good enough for them?
i slowly slipped into depression.
i learned to love long sleeve shirts because they were what covered the truth
1 cut that had started with one to ease the emotional pain ended up as 15
it was an endless cycle.
cry cut clean my face and wipe the crimson away
cry cut clean
cry cut clean
"oh another person is going to be mean to me? Of course"
*goes home* cry cut clean
Long sleeves and pants to cover up my arms and thighs
To escape the "WHAT?"s and "BUT WHY?"s
Nobody would understand
They would just say, "you don't have to do that, u have people who love you!"
It wasn't the people that loved me that made me this way couldn't they see?!
It was me.
It was my faults, my insecurities, the fact that I got made fun of for coming into class late.
Oops my bad.
I didn't mean to be up all morning crying my eyes out because the boy I used to date called me "slut" and "bitch"

I regret wanting to grow up and be with all the teenagers
The teen world is filled with haters
I am making it through everyday
And I'm little by little keeping the cutting at bay
I am slowly healing inside and out
Making new friends and hopping that next year I won't have any depression to write about

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