Why I'm Alone
QUOTE (in place of a song): "There is a loneliness in this world so great that you can only see
it in the slow movements of the hands of a clock."
- Charles Bukowski
September 2, 2014 Tuesday 3:00 PM
Is everywhere nowhere? I mean, it seems like most people live in hole-in-the-wall towns and where nothing ever happens, other than people dying and bugs singing.
I live in a place like that. It's a crappy town that seems like it's dying. The buildings have fallen apart and people get shot in the dark. I wonder if we even think about it. Where are other people's lives?
Are their lives in the moment? A concentrated dot in a humongous world? Mine is not. My mind goes a lot of places, mostly the past. I like going to the beach when I close my eyes, but I almost never do. I like that moment where the roller coaster has just begun falling, when I can see the ocean in Santa Cruz and I keep telling myself to put my hands all the way up and surrender to fear but I don't.
I just realized that I have the same excited (almost self-destructive) fear when I go to cut myself. I tell myself to go deeper but I barely can. All I want is to see the blood. It's a tether to the real world because too often, I get lost inside myself. ("For a minute there, I lost myself. I lost myself." - Karma Police by Radiohead)
Why do I sound like this? I woke up so happy. I can't really describe it. I was energetic, even before I drank coffee. Everything is possible, today. I felt like I was nowhere else.
I am still that way but something is different. I am thinking. That usually doesn't bode well. I'm crossing off my future. It is completely uncertain and I can't help thinking that I've already snuffed out some opportunities. At some point, my diagnosis will come back to me.
They are little shits, those doctors. Even my dad admitted it. It was not fair for them to diagnose me. The psychiatrist who did it was shit. I was a sheep. She was in the wrong.
It is not fair for the doctors CURRENTLY to ignore me when I say I am not bipolar. It's not right. My anxiety disorder can look a lot like bipolar, according to Pat. She is very educated and I trust her.
Technically, my diagnosis isn't even real anymore. I want them to say it was incorrect, but my dad says they probably won't admit to that. Since I'm Not Otherwise Specified (NOS), my diagnosis should've been changed within a year of being given to me.
Again, I say, those little SHITS.
I am still interested in what they do.
But where am I? In my head, I mean. A minute ago, I was somewhere else. God, it is so fucking hot. It's a rainy, eighty degree head. Yeah, I'm pretty sure humidity is 100%.
I don't mean to disappear. I don't mean to not meet expectations. Pat said that was the root of my problems, but she said that months ago. I don't know if that is still true.
I've always had a lot of awareness when it comes to other people. I am aware that they all expect something from me, whether they want to or not. It's just the human way.
I crumble under those expectations. I don't what they even are! How can I meet them?
What do you want from me? What did you expect me to be? Did you expect me to be more? Because I'm not more. I'm not the person you wished I would be. Your absolute best friend who agrees with you on almost everything. I will not always be there for you. We will not always talk or understand one another.
I'm probably nothing you expected, and this is because I'm not enough. I know I'm not enough. Not enough to be a leader and barely enough to be a good person.
This is why I hate hope. Maybe I'm just paranoid, but everyone ends up realizing that what they thought I was, is not me.
This could just be a reflection. Maybe I look at my friends and think that they're not what I wanted. I don't know.
I guess this is probably why I'm alone. This is probably why, eventually, I stop talking to people. I know what they want (or at least I think I know) and it makes me feel guilty because I know I am not it.
Yup. This is why
- I don't reply to feedback
- I don't reply to messages
- I spend a lot of time alone
- I never expect to be friends with acquaintances
I'm not even unhappy! I feel really good! I just thought I'd write this down because... Well, unfortunately expectations are kinda my core reason for everything wrong with my life. If I can't even meet the little ones, I'm never going to make it.
The point is; I live in a small town where everyone is searching for something else. I'm a lot of maintenance and I can only afford to give everything I have to a few people. Of course, the most important thing I can give to a person is my art and words. That is a sign that you are really important to me. If I gave you that, I trusted you didn't expect me to be different. I can't be different if you are looking for that (does this make sense????).
I wish I could be friends with a lot of people, but I'm not that way. I am not referring to anyone in particular when I say this, but... Don't think I don't love you just because I don't write to you (Grandma!).
People relationships are really hard for me. Even with people I love. There are no exceptions.
I keep staring at this one spider in the corner. It isn't moving. Good. Otherwise, I'd probably have a heart attack. My artistic side is all, "Omg this spider is a sign!!! It is what you physically fear most!!! It is every thought inside you!" but the rest of me is all, "Aw, get tHE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU LIL BITCH. BUGS ARE OUTSIDE, LEAVE MOTHERFUCKER."
Anyway, have a good day everyone! I don't even know if this entry is organized. I feel worn out from typing so I'm not gonna go back and read it. I barely have any idea what is says and I don't even know why I wrote it.