LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2014-08-31 12:49:12 (UTC)

Spaceman


"Spaceman" by The Killers

The spaceman says "Everybody, look down.
It's all in your mind."

Well now I'm back at home, and,
I'm looking forward to this life I live,
You know its gonna haunt me,
So hesitation to this life I give.
You think you might cross over,
You're caught between the devil and the deep blue sea,
You better look it over,
Before you make that leap

And you know I'm fine,
But I hear those voices at night,
Sometimes


August 31, 2014 Sunday 12:54 PM


I think this song is about someone who attempted suicide. I relate.

I feel a lot more sane than I did last week, now. The elation left me, though. It lasted two days and now I'm feeling content but not particularly happy. I predicted this. I was hoping I'd be wrong.

Since I'm not wrong, I can expect more depression to come.

*Deep, dramatic sigh*

FUUUUUCK. Fuck. Fuck! Fuck.

I had a dream that Laney and I were laughing really hard at something. I'm not sure what it was we were enjoying so much, but it was lovely. I felt so connected to her and it made me remember why we are friends.

The thing is, I woke up worrying that none of that was real. Which of course it wasn't, but I mean... I'm pretty good at knowing how some things feel before experiencing them.

For example, I used to smoke cigarettes in my dreams and when I finally tried them in real life, it felt the same. The point is, I'm worried that I'm never gonna laugh like that with her again.


This morning, I made my mom french toast and as we ate together, she told me about all kinds of stuff that made me sad.

My mom confides in me a lot and I try not to let her know that it hurts me. The thing is, my sister, me, and my mom all took antidepressants and attended therapy. My dad went to therapy too but he never took medication.

My mom told me about where her depression comes from, her loneliness, her anxiety.

I love my mom, but I hate hearing this stuff. Not because I don't care, but because it stresses me out and depresses me. She tells me about how insensitive my father is, how cruel the world is, how sad she is.

It sucks. She never got to achieve her dreams because she moved to the U.S. She's far away from all family. She's discriminated against for being older and foreign. Therapy didn't work for her.

This time, I accidentally cried and I feel guilty. Who's she gonna talk to if she can't talk to me?

Yesterday, I felt the most perfect. Now, I'm descending and I really don't like it. I don't feel right.

Sometimes, I wonder if I'm just waiting. Waiting to just finally lose it. The more I get depressed, the more I feel it driving me crazy. I can't go back there. I don't want to.

I'm probably headed towards a breakdown. With my luck, that'll be during school. FUUUUUCK.

OKAY. I'm gonna leave before I stress myself out more. I'm going to write. I'm milking this creativity for all it's worth.


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