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2014-08-28 13:48:46 (UTC)

Losing Again

"Hollywood Forever Cemetery Sings" by Father John Misty [ This song is really fun to sing along to].

Jesus Christ, girl
What are people gonna think
When I show up to one of several funerals
I've attended for grandpa this week
With you
With me

August 28, 2014 Thursday 1:52 PM

I don't feel great. I don't feel terrible. I feel art (ew, Veronica, shut up). I learned a long time ago, drawing and painting and writing is all a lot easier when I'm full to the brim with emotion. Sadness is the easiest feeling to have.

I don't want to be sad or anxious or broken. I especially don't want to be broken. That makes me feel like I need to be saved. I don't need to feel like a baby bird who has fallen from the nest or a girl tied to train tracks.

I want to feel strong and invincible. All I feel is confused.

Everything leaves me confused. Last night, as I cried and tried sleeping... I think I was nice to myself but I couldn't really tell. I might've been lifting my own spirits but what IS that?

I'm being vague and nothing I say makes sense, I know.

I can't say I'm hopeless, but I feel stranded in the middle of the ocean. I never know when I'll see land and I just can't survive alone for years.

"Longer I Run" by Peter Bradley Adams

I'm losing again

I thought this song was fitting since I am, in fact, losing again. Which sucks because a couple months I thought this feeling would fade and now I feel like it never will.

As usual, I will survive. It's getting a little scary, though, because I'm starting to wish I was at the hospital.

Things are bad if I want to return to a place where time stops moving. I hate it there. All the awful rules and mandatory groups where you talk about things.

It makes me weirdly nostalgic and sad to think about that place. My Wiccan friend, my compulsive liar room mate, Rasta Cup Girl (who vanished. I still don't know where she is).

So much confusion and shame with those memories. The last week I was in the hospital, I remember making no friends (everyone I liked before had left) and smiling just so I could go home again.

One nice thing is that me and Lily shared a notebook. That reminds me of when my friends read my diary. What a weirdly nice time. Is it better now?

I don't know I don't know I don't know

I have so many questions and no answers.

THE POINT IS: I'll be okay. I know I'll be okay but that is not enough. I don't want to be okay. I want to be amazing. I'm done with this (it's not done with me, though).

This feels like a war and I am getting tired of fighting. Luckily, I'm really stubborn so most likely, neither of us will win.

Unless I end up needing outside help. If I need a team of doctors and a bottle of pills to keep me alive, then I lost. Nothing feels worse than my parents always asking if I'm okay in that sing songy voice that lets me know they've already decided I'm not.

I really don't want to lose.

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