12:36 AM why did I never..
why did I never answer? I had a thousand moments in which I had the chance to reply with something like, "Thanks," or "I love you," or "how have you been?"
But I didn't do any of that. And when I began that first sentence (I swear I can taste my memories, now), it was just one unanswered message but now (they taste like blood)..
Now it's everything. It's a shitload of people I let down. All the people I stopped being friends with, unwritten letters to my grandma, you out there who I won't mention, and the nice messages I received in all kinds of social media.
It's like, is no one good enough for me? That I can't even think about saying something to let them know that I really care?
Suddenly, my whole is the friendships that faded. My relatives, whom I never communicate with (not even Daxton, even though I should. I wish his monsters would go away.)
Is it my fault? Is that why I got mad? Yesterday, I got angry with my psychiatrist. She's a bitch (no she's not). Well, if she's not a bitch, then she's not qualified. Fine, she has enough education.
It's just, she kept throwing glances toward my mom like I wasn't sane enough to accurately answer her questions. And because I got angry at her, suddenly I need medication? BECAUSE I GOT MAD? BECAUSE I TRIED STANDING UP FOR MYSELF?
I think she thought that I was saying... I was better. Better than other people. I was not trying to say that, I was trying to say I don't feel right with my friends.
Maybe it's my fault, though. Maybe I'm the mother FUCKING pattern (do you here that, peer leadership? I used your shit lingo. Sorry).
I am just one gigantic pattern. Only, I only see things from way up close. I can't see that big picture.
Stop. Stop. Stop.
I don't care if I deserved this at first, I can't FIX anything when I feel this way. So if this is some kind of karma (even though I'm 99% it isn't) then... What do you want from me? Fucking WHAT?
When will I stop being tired of being tired? When will protecting myself actually work? What am I supposed to do? Because I honestly have no idea. I have no idea. It all comes back to me and I hate that so much.
To think, I was fine before I thought about those unanswered messages.
How could I be such a shitty person. It's not even about the message itself and the letters from my grandma tucked in the darkest corners of my room.
It's that those messages are liike my entire life. That is exactly the kind of thing I do. I don't answer. I don't call back. I pretend not to exist and drown myself in fake worlds. That's not a life.
This is why I lose people. Do I even care? I can't tell anymore. Oh god, I didn't know I could be this exhausted. This feeling is so torturously boring because I know it by heart, I know the cycle.
I get better, I get worse, and so on. I plummet just as things turn around. Well,
Goodnight. I'll take advantage of my heart beating so hard and the tears on my face. Crying makes me tired.
I really hate myself for being this sad. It feels like shame, to me, but worse.