The Real Me
2014-08-26 08:52:48 (UTC)

A highly paid Escort.

It has occurred to me on several occasions that my destiny is probably extremely fucked up or going to be extremely beautiful. Because I know one thing for sure, I will never be an average person, I will either be flying so high….or flying so low. I do not like to think of the latter. If experience has taught me anything it is this; that unfortunately I am not average, my life has never been average and so I will never really have that stability, I will always have a very eccentric life.

Which brings me to my next venture. I have lost the battle of my conscious, it seems I don’t have much of one anymore. Maybe I am very damaged now, maybe I have lost empathy, maybe I have lost my humanity. Who knows. I am currently speaking to someone….an investment banker, I guess he is extremely rich, and I am in debt. So for an agreed arrangement he is willing to pay me from £5000 to £8000 a month. That is quadruple my salary.

I’ve realized love, care and compassion is a luxury better reserved for the lucky or the filthy rich. Someone as poor as me with an mixed ethnic background will have a damn hard time getting any of that.

I am pretty….extremely pretty as people would say but I know that I am not stunningly beautiful, nor am I ugly either. When I look in the mirror I would give myself a 4- 5/10 but then I guess I have always been my own enemy….other people/men….well they treat me like a chase/an accomplishment. I have never truly been loved only cherished for some sort of status or for my outer looks. And that is it,…which has dragged my self esteem to the ground because what use isit to be fuckable but not lovable? Anyone can be fuckable.

I guess I am living up to it now. Having realized all of that, Ive let go of a part of me…a part of my care or whatever you call it. Ive been taking to this French guy…we talk dirty all day long…it is fun because I have never done it before…and because I am so highly attracted to him. Ive been talking to him for a month now… he is from Montpellier and is an American football player for France first division…Although I think he is sort of falling for me…not because of me…but because he desires me so much.

The guy. who wants the arrangement…he is middle eastern. He is 33….so pretty young and not one of them old people, he lives in knightsbridge and travels a lot…lives all over the world I guess. He is actually strikingly good looking, so I guess this whole “exchange” makes it easier…I guess I do know what I’m getting myself into…im becoming an over priced escort. This is my first time…this isn’t his first time. He is concerned that I lack experience…in the whole casual sex department…which I do…but regardless he wants to meet up….he thinks I am “very pretty….gf material.” Ironic. Very ironic. As long side this “allowance” he also wants to take the girl on shopping trips, holidays, VIP events etc etc. Spoil her like a princess and bed her like a porn star. Great. The thing is I cant even be a whore because I hate sex. Isit possible to suck at so many things?? Anyways for that type of money I can swallow my pride and my soul. This money would clear my debt, help me gather savings…and see my grandparents (one of them just passed away and I havnt seen them in 9 years) as I cannot afford to see them, my mother is dying to see her parents.. she cries all the time because her heart yearns for her dead father and now her mother and sisters who are alive but she fears their time is coming close to. I have to take her before that happens…before her mother passes away…I know she wont be able to live with herself if that happens. And this seems like the best way..sell my soul for a bit.

As for the French guy…to me he is perfection…If I wanted to I could fall for him…because he…he is what I wouldn’t mind giving up things for. But again experience has made me build up so many layers that I reserve myself. He is for now a distraction to the reality…he is my escape. I cherish him….he fills up the emptiness for a while…but he is just that…a beautiful distraction nothing more.