LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2014-08-25 12:48:44 (UTC)

Hate/Love

"Take Me To Church" by Hozier [okay, second time I posted this song but it's really good]

My lover's got humor
She's the giggle at a funeral
Knows everybody's disapproval
I should've worshipped her sooner
If the Heavens ever did speak
She's the last true mouth piece
Every Sunday's getting more bleak
A fresh poison each week
...
Take me to church
I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies
I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife
Offer me that deathless death
Good god, let me give you my life


August 25, 2014 Monday 12:50 PM


I'll be honest, I thought about suicide a couple times (did I mention that before?), but never seriously. Never in depth. Just fleeting thoughts, like, "It would be so much easier to be dead."

Today is different. I am content. While I'm trying to sleep, I still sob a little but before my "crying" was maybe a minute long and now my face only crumples for a few seconds. That is an improvement. Bam.

I woke up at 8 today!!! Not on purpose. I've taken the Melatonin (in gummy form!!!!) for two nights now and each night, I keep waking up. My sleep isn't very heavy but I'm not at all tired when I wake up. The only issue is I really just want to stay unconscious and I can't.

While that sucks, I still feel refreshed. This is really nice. I have to stop the Melatonin in a couple weeks, though, 'cause if I can't sleep without it after that, it means I have an actual problem. Thaatttt means I gotta go to the doctor which means I'll probably be put on medication again and ugh.

(I really hate this. I hate everything about it. I hate my moods, I hate how they control me, I hate not knowing if I'm bipolar or not, I hate that every doctor I meet says "lets treat symptoms and not worry about the diagnosis" and I hate my friends, I hate how terrible a friend I am, I hate that I am not great at making friends, I hate that I don't know how to share with people, I hate how physical contact makes me remember every bad thing ever, I hate being antisocial, I hate being insignificant, I hate not being exceedingly good at something, I hate that I'm gaining weight, I hate my new schedule, I hate this town, I hate growing up, hate thinking about getting a job, hate learning how to drive, I just hate it all. Why don't I hate myself, then?)

Something that doesn't make sense is that even though I love hugs and hand-holding, it makes me really uncomfortable. Like I said in that extremely long parentheses, physical contact reminds me of every bad thing ever. Reminds me of my first kiss (oh god no). kiss with Sam (never, ever drinking vodka again), bad things in my childhood, etc.

I actually had a really good childhood but I'm really sensitive so those tiny bad things that did happen filled me with permanent anxiety. I remember in second grade, I stopped being friends with a boy for no reason. I don't even remember why. I think I thought about the future and got really scared, so I got angry at him and we quit talking. There is one thing in particular that haunts me but, even though this is a relatively private area, I can't share it.

It mentally scarred me pretty bad and I don't think I'll ever tell anyone, ANYONE. I don't think I'll even write it. I know it has happened to other people when they were young and they've been more than okay with it, but I was not okay with it. I was just a kid and I should've been more innocent. It is an event that does not belong in my life. Or at least, I wish it didn't belong.


In conclusion, I might start talking to Sam again. Maybe because she is my gateway to weed or maybe because I don't want her to think I stopped talking to her because of the kiss.

I really want to stop talking to her because I think she's a bad influence on me, especially right now. Yeah, I'm supposed to have fun but when I'm with her, it seems we just end up smoking.

Do we have that much in common? Nah, and she's hateful/angry. Maybe I'll text her and talk to her but in awhile, we should stop talking.

It sucks that the more I get to know people, the more I realize they're not right for me. Who am I looking for? What makes me think I have the right to be so picky?

That's not to say they're all like that. Lily has been my friend for so long for a reason and the people I meet online (although I don't usually stay friends with them because I AM A REALLY BAD FRIEND) are great.

Okay, well bye because I want to post my Lily Mythology. :D


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