Fishies In The Sea
"The Youth" by Daniela Andrade (cover of Daughter. Original is the best, but this one is the closest.)
And if you're still bleeding, you're the lucky ones
'Cause most of our feelings, they are dead and they are gone
We're setting fire to our insides for fun
Collecting pictures from the flood that wrecked our home
It was a flood that wrecked this home
Well I've lost it all, I'm just a silhouette
A lifeless face that you'll soon forget
My eyes are damp from the words you left
Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest
[I wish I could put all the lyrics to this song, it's so beautiful]
August 24 Sunday 1:18 PM
I am in colors, once again. It probably helped that last night, I took a couple melatonin gummies so I could sleep. My dreams were strange. They weren't exactly horrifying, but they felt wrong.
I was running and suddenly the environment I was in became another. In real life, plains fade into forest usually or something when they're natural, but I jumped over a crevice and was suddenly in the redwoods.
The redwoods were beautiful but left me with a coldness inside that I can't really describe. I was running for quite awhile. I left behind my friends and then, realizing they weren't following, ran even faster hoping they took a different route. A different route to where, though?
At 7 am I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep for awhile. After that, my dreams became slightly more apocalyptic. I didn't trust anyone and the world was the color of blood. OH KAY WAIT THIS SONG IS SO SAD AND BEAUTIFUL, I MUST POST LYRICS
"Smother" by Daughter
I should go now quietly
For my bones have found a place
To lie down and sleep
Where all my layers can become reeds
All my limbs can become trees
All my children can become me
What a' mess I leave
In the darkness I will meet my creators
They will all agree, I'm a suffocator
I'm sorry if I smothered you
I sometimes wish I'd stayed inside
Never to come out
I think I am okay. To be honest, things got hard. My circadian rhythm is really off. I mean, this week, the latest I woke up was 4 PM.
I also thought briefly about suicide (briefly, very BRIEFLY when I can't sleep at night) and cutting.
Things are pretty now, but the world is cold and I can feel that in my heart. All the beautiful things I see are kept in glass cases far away from my hands. Everything is so isolated.
I got my school schedule and it SUCKS. I'm alone for most of my classes, including lunch. The only people in my lunch that I know are Aaron's boyfriend and depressed-hispanic-kid. NEITHER of which I want to sit with. I'd rather not spend forty five minutes either awkwardly small talking or burying my face in a notebook to avoid that. Nope, I'm sitting in a corner like the loser I am.
Actually, I might not even go to lunch. Most of this year, I didn't even eat lunch at school most of the time. I hate eating during school.
The point is, I'm fucking alone. My mind says it's a chance to make friends but we both know I won't make any.
This is not because I'm bad at it, but because I doubt I will meet anyone I actually like.
I'm not hateful but Pat was right. The friends I have do not fit me. They don't feel right, to me. I feel like my world is not the same as theirs. Plus, I'm pretty sure I annoy the fuck out of them.
It's just... Laney is constantly talking about soccer, other people, clothes, or baking. That's wonderful but I get bored of hearing about what they did in soccer practice. Aaron, I don't talk to her much. And when we do talk, it's only about surface things. I get bored.
That's the point: with them, I get bored. Maybe I'm spoiled by my ever-changing mind but I don't feel socially satisfied when I go home.
Last year, I had a "friend" in shop class. She was really funny but we didn't share the same interests and in total, I didn't like her that much. That's how this year will probably go.
Apparently there aren't "plenty of fish in the sea" because I'm looking for certain fishies VS most fifteen year olds.
Will I be okay? Yeah. But I'm gonna get really fucking lonely.
Now I shall go. Much to do today, and I think I want to try writing a little more. I'm writing a myth about Lily and how she came to be. IT'S REALLY FUN. I'M DOING THE ORIGINS OF HER NAME AND EVERYTHING. Ya, okay, nice afternoon to you all.