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2014-08-20 05:55:02 (UTC)

Thinking (A Lot)

August 20, 2014 Wednesday 5:55 AM

Just checked my school sheet, and WOW, I have school tomorrow. Not actual school but I still have to go and pick up my schedules and probably textbooks. All that (ughh) terrible stuff.

On a different note, Monday: I went to Pat. I did not expect to cry. I really didn't. I was telling her about my anxiety and how it is getting even harder to sleep and how to world is so fucking stupid and I'm so fucking inadequate and how I keep having headaches and somewhere along the line I actually had to put my head down and not talk for awhile because I was falling apart.

I tried "grounding" myself (it's a coping thingy that I learned in the hospital that most people probably use but I apparently didn't, except for in the form of cutting myself) but folding and ripping up tissues. It kinda worked.

She said that even though to her I was expressing a lot of worry toward everyday issues (like Ferguson and Isis and all that scary, impending doom type stuff), it seemed like it all came back to how I saw myself. Which is as "not enough". I don't feel like I'm enough for myself.

I already knew this, and I knew why. To be fair, though, I hadn't seen her almost all summer so yeah, she's a bit behind. Understandable.

I almost never complete things, I can't keep promises, and I don't try hard enough. Simple as that and for some reason I can't seem to change. It almost feels like I'm trying to change.

That's hard too, though, because in order to not be lazy, I have to try NOT being lazy which requires not being lazy and ughhh.

I want to say I'm trying but what is "trying" to me? I think trying to me is a feeling of accomplishment. I don't feel that.

So I didn't sleep on Monday night. Not until 10 AM the next morning, and then I only slept for five hours. The same thing is happening now.

Can I function on a total ten hours of sleep VS. sixteen for two days? Yeah. Can I continue with five or less hours of sleep for the rest of the year? It won't kill me. BUT MY GRADES WILL GO DOWN AND I SWEAR TO GOD, I'M HOLDING ONTO THOSE. I will not let those go.

My school is bad which makes it not-so hard to succeed and if I can't succeed at even that, then what am I?


- I have Peer Leadership today. Maybe some co-counseling will get me out of my head. Maybe I'll get complimented on my purple hair.

- The air smells so nice in the morning.

- I like my dog a lot. She's happy.

- Breathe. Breathing is one of the only things getting me through my thoughts, lately.

- Try not to think about how I'm probably headed for a nervous breakdown.

- I downloaded WorldEdit for Minecraft and so I kinda feel like I'm getting the hang of some of the commands used. Especially the //set or //move or //copy ones. I'M SUCH A DORK, OH MY GOD.

It was really hard to think of good things. I'm not sad but I know that I'm probably depressed. I might feel it later when the numbness fades. This sucks.

Meanwhile, my anxious thoughts just get worse and worse and I am not tired. How am I not tired????

I figured that sleeping five hours would be okay because I'd still be tired enough to fall asleep but it appears I function about the same as if I'd gotten nine hours.

Okay, I'm sorry I'm being boring. Maybe in a later entry, I'll complain about national issues since I have a little to say about all this Ferguson stuff and whatnot.

*Put head in hands*

I feel like shit. OH. And I can tell I am getting 100 times lonelier with each passing day (which, and get this, makes it even HARDER to sleep, fucking hell) because I'm thinking about watching more chick flicks. And I feel a physical need for hugs and hand holding. And I'm getting more swept up by love story fanfictions.

Even if the super manly characters are twisted into being gay by desperate fans. Being gay is a-okay (hey that rhymed!) but Jesus, I've NEVER seen any indication that these characters are gay. In fact, a lot of authors completely change their personalities just to fit being gay. That annoys me. It's one thing if they're at least realistic... but noooo.... no. No, you gotta change everything I love about them just so they can kiss a guy. IT'S NOT NECESSARY AND YOU RUIN EVERYTHING. I WANT TO BE IMMERSED IN WRITING BUT I CAN'T IF IT'S NOT RIGHT!!!

The words "right" and "write" now suddenly seem perfectly compatible. I would explain but my mind is kinda too scattered and fast to really describe it.

(are you manic???)

Shut up, am I even bipolar?

(you might be..)

But I don't know-

(the diagnosis)

That was shit, though, okay? It was shit. I don't know if I'm bipolar therefore how am I supposed to know if I'm manic?

I'm not, though.

(but how do you know??)

SHUT UP. Shush. I'm just anxious. These days I am anxious 24/7. Maybe it looks like bipolar disorder because when I'm not anxious, I am elated and energetic and just.. exploding with happiness. It's not the same thing, though.

(but how do you-)


(okay b-)


PS: I hate chick flicks, with a few exceptions. They are pretty much all the same and they make me feel gross in my heart. DO YOU SEE HOW SERIOUS THIS LONELINESS IS GETTING? THAT I AM ACTUALLY WANTING TO WATCH TERRIBLE MOVIES??????

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